Ryan Adams Concert Banter

Ryan Adams Concert Banter

Come Pick Me Up

08-08-98: Mercury Lounge - New York, New York

09-09-00: The Tractor Tavern - Seattle, Washington
09-23-00: Schubas - Chicago, Illinois
11-02-00: Turf Club - St. Paul, Minnesota
11-17-00: The Borderline - London, England

02-17-01: Great American Music Hall - San Francisco, California
02-18-01: Cellar At John Foley's - San Francisco, California
04-24-01: KB - Malmo, Sweden
05-10-01: The Boardwalk - Sheffield, England
10-05-01: Paradise Rock Club - Boston, Massachusetts
10-09-01: Headliner's Music Hall - Louisville, Kentucky
11-11-01: Gothic Theatre - Englewood, Colorado
12-06-01: IMU Lounge - Iowa City, Iowa

02-15-02: Le Trebendo - Paris, France
03-13-02: Riviera Theater - Chicago, Illinois
10-20-02: Paramount Theater - Denver, Colorado
10-29-02: Moore Theater - Seattle, Washington
10-30-02: Roseland Theater - Portland, Oregon
11-23-02: Apollo Manchester - Manchester, England
11-28-02: Olympia Theatre - Dublin, Ireland

01-25-03: Reliant Stadium - Houston, Texas
12-11-03: Michigan Theater - Ann Arbor, Michigan
12-14-03: First Avenue - Minneapolis, Minnesota

09-22-04: Warfield Theater - San Francisco, California
09-30-04: Beacon Theater - New York, New York

08-03-06: The Vogue - Indianapolis, Indiana

08-08-98: Mercury Lounge - New York, New York

"I have to sit for some of these songs. 'Cause yesterday, a guy hit me in the face on the subway. He really did. And I've been living up here, and that was the first time, and it made me a little mad. No, that's the funny thing, is I didn't even start it. I was just standing there, and this, like, big meathead from New Jersey goes, 'You look like you need to get hit.' And then he said, imagine this, then he goes, 'Did you really pay for that haircut?' And then I got really mad, of course. Next thing I know, I'm flying onto the...fucking...whatever they call it, platform. I had it coming, man. That's called 'karma from last tour'. So I'm gonna find a capo, and we're gonna play something else. So I wanna apologize to the guy that I spilled his bitters and soda on him and walked off. I'm really sorry. I get, I get really nervous before I play, can you imagine? You're not gonna hit me too, are you? If you do, just do it on this side."

"Caleb, can you run me some guitar up here? It went out. Thanks. So, um, yeah. This next song is called 'Folklore'. It has the wonderful bass-playing and singing of Keith Christopher over here. And Steve Terry back there, singing and playing drums. And Mike-fuckin'-Daly over there. Hold on, there's an altercation. Sorry, here we go."

"Okay, this next song is called 'House For Sale'. How are we doin'? This song is also for the fella that I spilled soda and bitters on. He had shorts on. It's different if he had jeans. I'd have said I'm sorry."

"Thanks. We've got some, like, sittin' around numbers now, I guess. I don't wear eye makeup anymore. I quit listening to Disintegration after that South Park episode. That was funny, wasn't it? Hey, so can you put, like, a light where the, uh...where I'd be reading out of stuff? I'm not gonna recite no poetry, that would get scary. 'Roses are red, violets are blue, where's my gin and tonic?' Have you noticed how anybody that's ever seen us, or any of us play, we have, like, no stage presence? It's like, 'Let's go see that nerd play!' And you all missed Matchbox 20 for this."

"So this next song is about getting really stoned at Hershey Park. And that's all you can do when you're on tour with Fogerty. Get high. You can make the lights go away now. Don't let them see me."

"So I got a different guitar plugged in now. This next song is called 'I Really Hope This Show Is Going Okay'."

"Thanks. We've got a couple more, uh, I think."

"Thanks. Thanks a lot. We're not done, we wanted to drink."

"Thanks. We're gonna play one more, uh, I'm gonna play one Whiskeytown song. Then the boys and us are gonna play a couple more, and Roscoe's gonna play tonight. You know Eric."

"Thanks. Now we're gonna play a couple more. Keith and Mike are gonna come back up. Oh yeah! Oh, shit, Roscoe's coming up. And there he is. That's Roscoe. I got blessed out last time Roscoe played with us, 'cause somebody went, 'Like everyone's gonna know who Roscoe is.' I just thought, well, if they don't know who he is, well, then they're pretty stupid. So, he's gonna hit me now."

"We've got two more. Can you move the guitar for a second?"

"Thank you. All right, thank you for coming here, and this is it, I really appreciate it. I don't feel like a goon. Um, thanks, Jeff Caylor. Jeff Caylor came into town, our sound guy, to do this. And that was really nice of him. Caylor, can you turn my guitar off and my vocals up for this? I'm not gonna smash it, I promise. Oh, and can you turn the lights up more? 'Cause I can't, I still can't see this. Maybe I should have brought my glasses."

"Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. Bye, all."

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09-09-00: The Tractor Tavern - Seattle, Washington

"I wish I heard that joke 'cause I really need a laugh right now."

"What is so funny? Maybe you should come up and tell us. Did you bring enough for the whole class, Mr. Man?"

"I was just gonna play drums and do like jazz odyssey, but I didn't. I guess I could still do it."

Audience Member: "Way to go, Ryan!"

Ryan: "Yeah! Cheers to me!"

Ryan: "Are you okay? How's my hair? Does it look okay? I just wanna take this opportunity to congratulate the Alternative Twang [???] on its fifth anniversary. No, I'm playing. Ya know. Congratulations to Peter and to [???] and to Kyle, they run a really cool mag, ya know? Although I got really drunk last night and berated Peter for like an hour and a half. Going, 'Put me on the fucking cover, you asshole!' He took it well. Kinda."

Audience Member: "Comb your hair!"

Ryan: "Yeah, really."

"This is in the key of G...the people's key."

Ryan: "Here's my existentialist, absurd, Texas singer/songwriter song. It's not in the people's key, by the way. I think it's in the anarchist key. They key of 'I'd tune if I cared.' But if I tune, it's not folk, is it? I've been at the protest all day, I've been protesting sobriety for fucking eleven years. Here's to that! One day, I'm gonna end it, I swear to God. I'm gonna end all sobriety."

Audience Member: "Don't do it!"

Ryan: "See, you're one of the people I'm fighting against. You asshole! Wherever you are! Let me buy you a drink! I probably already did 'cause I fucked up so bad when I was tending bar. I probably owe everybody a dollar. I owe myself a dollar."

"I'm not sure why I wrote this song, and that's just the way I like it."

Audience Member: "Ryan, I'm sorry, she would like you to ask those people to shut up."

Ryan: "Here, why don't you tell them?"

Audience Member: *into mic* "Excuse me...please shut up. You at the bar!"

Ryan: "The people have spoken!"

Audience Member: "That was in the key of G!"

Ryan: "Wow, I didn't play a G, I fucked up! There it is! What's that now? Am I a knob? Did you call me a knob? 'Cause I don't have any quip that I could come back after that. If you didn't, you should call someone a knob soon. Wow, you're a fucking knob! I'm gonna call somebody that. Shut up, Phil! That was Phil, wasn't it? Yeah, it's Phil. Jesus Christ."

"That was like skating on beer."

Audience Member: "Play 'The Strip'!"

Ryan: "I don't wanna play that fucking song. Did it say 'Ryantown' on the bill? I'm sorry, I was really vulgar, maybe I'll play it later."

Ryan: "Oh, you know what? Okay, let's humor the rock gods. I was singing this in the shower, and I told Van about it, but I haven't written it yet, but I kind of know some of the words. I'm not kidding, I swear to God. See if it makes any sense. *starts playing* *stops* 'I don't...', how did it go? 'I don't know why...'."

Van: "Hell, I can't remember."

Ryan: "I came in the fucking room when I got out of the shower and said..."

Van: "I know, but that was yesterday."

Ryan: "I wouldn't remember anything either. Ladies and gentlemen, the grandest tour manager in the world, Van Alston. Come on, let's hear it for Van Alston! I hired him to remind me that I was just a prick. Okay, I haven't written this yet, but I know some of the words, so somebody said make up something, so I'm gonna try to finish the song...at the expense of everybody that paid to get in." *starts playing* *stops*

Audience Member: "[???] chicken!"

Ryan: "Oh, fuck. You totally ruined it for me, now I can't think of anything but chicken!"

Audience Member: "CHICKEN!!!"

Ryan: "I think that's the next thing I'm gonna start protesting, as a protest folk singer now: chicken and sobriety."

Audience Member: "Don't do it!!!"

Ryan: "Who the fuck is-? I gotta meet this person, whoever this is!"

Audience Member: "'Bartering Lines'!"

Ryan: "No!"

Audience Member: "Yeah!"

Ryan: "No!"

Audience Member: "'9th Street'!"

Ryan: "What is 'Backstreet'? Oh, 'Shakedown', I don't think that would sound very interesting on acoustic guitar. I could play the Backstreet Boys. I'm not kidding, man, you wanna fucking hear it?" *begins performing "I Want It That Way"*

*members of audience yell*

Ryan: "Now, come on, let me play the fucking song! I don't know all the words, but I make up the ones I don't know." *starts performing again*

Audience Member: "STOP! STOP! STOP!"

Ryan: *finishes song* *starts another* *stops* "You're not seriously mad that I played that, are you? Who are you, Pete-fucking-Townshend? Who is this? I actually like that song, that's a good fucking song! No, it really is, man! If you fucking played that song in dropped D with Marshall stacks and the pedals, it would be so Melvins, dude, it would be amazing! You can't tell me it's not good! I'm not kidding, it's really, I mean, THEY suck, but that's a good song 'cause they didn't write the, you think the guys are going like, 'After I do my dance lessons, I'm gonna go write this song!'? They didn't fucking write that song! Some asshole wrote that song! God!"

"Thank you for staying and asking me to come out and play another song, that's very flattering. No, it's really cool, ya know, I was kinda, I wasn't sure how it was gonna go just sittin' around playing and stuff, but it's been really cool, everybody's been awesome everywhere I go, and everybody's really into it, it's just really amazing for me, I just wanted to say that once. It feels really good."

Ryan: "Okay, guess which film this quote's from. 'This is an oldie, I mean, an oldie where I come from.'"

Audience Member: "Back To The Future."

Ryan: "Ah, dammit, fucking, why'd you have to be standing right there? I can't quit watching these bad Eighties films, it's all I watch at home. I don't know what it is."

Audience Member: "There's no such thing as a bad Eighties film."

Ryan: "No, no, no, 'cause they're starting to make sense now, like I understand painters caps. And jams. And Veriflex skateboards, it's all coming. Those are my digs, ya know?"

Audience Member: *laughing*

Ryan: "Are you really laughing? That is such a cool laugh! Do it again! I'll tell you a joke! That's fucked up! No, you're not fucked up, no, this is crazy! Do I got a booger? I think I know a joke, no, I gotta quit doing this stage banter thing, I'm not very good at it, and in some states I could get shot for it."

"That's all, thank you, you guys have been really cool. Take care and fight chicken and sobriety!"

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09-23-00: Schubas - Chicago, Illinois

"I'm sorry I'm playing a couple of new ones, I just wrote 'em yesterday. No, I'm just sort of digging on 'em, so I'm just gonna kinda go with it. Can I have just a smidgen of light over on the chair, Jason? Can I have a little less? Little less. Oh, you're a doll, thanks."

"Thanks a lot. Thanks for coming out to the show and all that stuff. I was at this place last night called the Lakeview Lounge, does anybody know where that place is? Where the band is behind the bar, and they let me play with the band, which was really cool. I totally made up this song, everybody was getting drunk, it was fabulous. So I'm supposed to plug the place, but all I can tell you is maybe sometime at two o'clock, I'm gonna go hold court with those guys. If you can find it."

"I got a crick in my neck. I got a cricket in my neck."

"You guys are so quiet, am I doing something wrong?"

"I'm sorry I messed up the piano thing, I think I started thinking about something or something. No, it's the weirdest shit. Fucking all wrapped up in the song, and I think I was thinking about like that nuclear physicist guy I was telling you yesterday, I don't know why, in my fucking brain, and all of the sudden it was like, F sharp. F sharp is not in that fucking song. F sharp is like Madonna songs. I don't know any Madonna, actually I do know a Madonna song. Although I gotta admit that I'm really disappointed that she's doing this Euro-disco thing. I mean, she was so fucking good during like, 'Like A Virgin', what is this crap? That 'Music' song? It's like, that's not music, that sounds like a Pac-Man machine running down the street. No, it really does, it sounds like Pac-Man! I don't know, maybe, Pac-Man must still be really popular over there. She's got it figured out though, you know. Bless her heart."

"Well, is it going okay? I mean, is it all right? All right."

"This is a song I wrote about, um...uh...forget it."

Audience Member: "'Come Pick Me Up'!"

Ryan: "Mind reader. 'Witch! Witch!' That was kind of weird, I'm really sorry, I don't know where that came from. 'Witch! Mind reader!' I'm the witch with all this goth lighting I've got on me, it's like [???] concert. 'All the bats have left the bell tower.'"

Audience Member: "God Rock."

Ryan: "God Rock, you gave me the God Rock yesterday, thank you very much. God Rock is well and just hanging out."

"Thanks a lot."

Audience Member: "We want more! We want more!"

Ryan: "More what?"

Audience Member: "How are you doin’?"

Ryan: "I'm a little tired, actually. I'm sorry if my voice sounds tired, I played at the Virgin thing today, with Virgin, for some store."

Audience Member: "Was she good?"

Ryan: "What's that?"

"That was Van Alston that just said, '[???]', he's like my tour guy. Actually, we wrote that song 'Come Pick Me Up' at his house, and we were both incredibly drunk. Actually, I wasn't drunk, I was 'romantically pissed'. Which equates to like, you know, like a half a bottle of Stoli, ya know? I've never played this song for anybody before, I'm gonna try it. I might fuck it up. But it's called 'The Rescue Blues'. Mr. Man, Jason, the sound guy, is doing such a great job, let's hear it for Jason. 'Cause this is, like, kinda scary for me because it was kinda easier just to sorta get fucked up and do my little Johnny Thunders jig with The Town, you know, I gotta be all, like, whacking sober and shit. It's a nightmare."

Audience Member: "Oh no!"

Ryan: "I know."

Audience Member: "Get him a drink!"

Ryan: "I always reward myself after if I do a good job, and if I do a really bad job, then I really go out and give myself a huge reward. Okay, Jason, this has that blues, uh, stuff, thing we talked about, you know, special sound. I apologize for being goofy, by the way."

"I just wanna publicly thank Bloodshot for helping me put out my record...and stuff, and for being really cool to Whiskeytown over the years. Fucking hell of a label, this is a hell of a town. Any town with a five o'clock bar call on a Saturday is my kind of fucking town. [???] look nice too, which is sort of a plus, considering...uh, maybe I should play guitar now."

Ryan: "I'll play the guitar, if one of you guys wants to sing a Whiskeytown song. Swear to fucking God. Hold on, hold on, hold on, but, so, you said you wanted to do it, but I'm gonna chose it by the song that I wanna play, so whoever wins the jackpot, gets it. What song did you wanna sing?"

Audience Member: "Dancing with the girls...'Dancing With The Women'."

Ryan: *makes a buzzing sound*

Audience Member: "Do 'Avenues'!"

Ryan: "No, this could be really fun! All right, sing 'Avenues', that guy, come on. 'Cause I'm not, 'cause I'm not singing Whiskeytown songs anymore, you are now."

Brent: "How does it go?"

Ryan: "How does it go? You know, I ask myself that...you know the song? 'Avenues'?"

Audience Member: "He knows the lyrics."

Ryan: "All right, he was first, let's let every, if he fucks up, you go."

Brent: "Do I have to sing it like you sing it?"

Ryan: "No, you can sing whatever you want to sing. All right, are you ready? What's your name?"

Brent: "Brent."

Ryan: "Brent what?"

Brent: "Stewart."

Ryan: "Ladies and gentlemen, Brent Stewart."

Ryan: "You guys are way too nice. I thought Brent did a hell of a job."

Audience Member: "Do it again!"

Audience Member: "Yeah!"

Ryan: "Brent, can I have a song? Did you bring enough for the whole class? 'Cause I don't know what you're talking about, but I would like to, so give me some now."

"This guitar's getting old, but I love it, so I can't not bring it with me."

"That's it! Thank you! Thanks to Van and Jason, running sound, and to Brent...I can't remember your last name. You guys have been really so nice, thank you."

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11-02-00: Turf Club - St. Paul, Minnesota

Ryan: "Man, this place is cool as fuck. I never been here before, it's very cool. How's everybody feeling? Okay, I'm just gonna light a cigarette. So the weather here is really weird. Yesterday, I was hot, then I walked out of the studio tonight, singing on a friend of mine's record, and I almost got blown over by the wind."

Audience Member: "Minnesota! Woo!"

Ryan: "Is that where I am? I just about forgot. So I'm gonna start by playing a couple new things, if that's okay with everybody, and then I'll start playing some older stuff. Not older but different. Damn, I can never get enough of that [???]. *attempts to play a song but has problems* You know what? Fuck that song."

"Thank you kindly."

"Thank you. Once again, I'm really sorry that I got the Robert Smith hair again, it's an accident. Thank you, I'm sorry, is it bad that I put 'em on the stage? I should get like a flight case around it, that'd be cool as hell. Be cooler than hell, up on the AOL. Does everything sound okay, is everybody hearing everything? For some reason, I just feel like playing the record tonight, I don't know why. I've been playing these other new songs. I'll play some of the record, then I'll play some new stuff. We'll see if it's any good. Okay. *starts to play harmonica* Ah, goddammit, it smells like army bag. Fuck! I bought Listerine, it didn't help."

"I'm sorry that I keep smoking, but I just can't seem to stop. It's a terrible waste of money because I only get like three hits. And the rest of it just sits, you know, whatever. God, I'm in a weird mood. Shit."

Ryan: "Could you turn the guitar down just ever so slightly? It's just a little too like, I'm not that good a guitar player for it to sound that good. No, I wasn't fishing for compliments, I swear to God. I feel like I should be Jimmy Page or something. I go someplace, and they're like, 'It's kind of thin here.' I'm like, great! I'll sing good! I'll get my haircut or something."

Audience Member: "Kris Kristofferson!"

Ryan: "What? Kris Kristofferson, where is he? He scares me kinda. Is it him that scares me? There's another guy that really scares me. What is his name? He has a beard, and he kind of is weird all the time. No, he's still making records, and they're really weird records. No, man, it's a guy like Kris, maybe it is Kris Kristofferson."

Audience Members: "Kenny Rogers!"

Ryan: "Kenny Rogers is scary! Did you see him on 'Austin City Limits' recently? It was like he was working the stage. I mean, and no diss to him 'cause he's a good guy, whatever, I don't know, but he's kinda like, if you could like designate opposite planets, he's kind of like, okay, a drag queen working a catwalk, and then him working 'Austin City Limits', it was kinda like alternative drag queen. He was just, you know, it was a little weird, I don't understand it. I think if he ever decides to scat, I'm gonna defect from the United States. That would just be too much. That wouldn't be very good at all for anybody. But let's not talk about that anymore. God, I hope, you know, nobody that knows him is around. Don't anybody go on the AOL and say that stuff. What the fuck am I talking about?"

Ryan: "I'm sorry you didn't like the Oasis song, I like that song. I just feel like I have to play it because I couldn't play, it wouldn't sound very good if I was, you know, 'Feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic!' wouldn't work. I tried to make it work, it did not work. But I like that one too, I guess. I'm trying to figure out if my standards are dropping or my mind is expanding, but it's all a fog, get fucking stoned all the time, it's all good, you know? Burning G's, listening to a bunch of crazy brothers freak out. Otherwise, I'm kind of worried about my Oasis fixation because I almost bought, for $27..."

Audience Member: "The new album?"

Ryan: "No, I got that one. Yeah, okay. No, it was just a CD of just them fucking arguing, and I like had it in my hand, walking up to the counter, and I was like, there's something really wrong with this. It's not cool. It's not real TV, it's not, you know, 'World’s Most Disastrous Car...', it's just like, what am I doing? I could just go start Whiskeytown again and have the same thing. Except for nobody's kin. Well, that's not true, actually, Skillet and Caitlin got married a month ago. Yeah, it was a beautiful wedding, so maybe they could do the thing, and I could just listen to Oasis or something. Fuck. I hate it when I get like this, I don't know what to say. All right. All right, fuck that song. No, no, no, hey, I'm feeling it, man! Hey, Van, Van Alston, can I get, is there a pack of cigarettes? Did I have another pack? Goddammit, man! Okay, all right, this isn't a new song. Mr. Soundman, can you put unnecessary amounts of reverb on the end? Not unnecessary necessary but, uh, thank you. Am I fucking up again? Am I talking too much? Man, if I lived here, I don't think I would hang out anywhere else, I think I would just like hang out here and get like totally fucking drunk. No, it's really cool, isn't it? It's got the wooden bar that goes as long as your arm, that saying, ya know? And then the downstairs trippy room, the Clown Lounge. They got good a good bathroom here, and those lights are really cool."

"That's my friend and tour manager Van Alston. He drives me around everywhere. He takes really good care of me. He also co-wrote that song 'Come Pick Me Up' with me. Give him a round of applause. I love that guy, man, he's a good dude. I'm gonna play that last 'cause that's like the reverse-skate song. No, it kinda is, you know, it's like, it's an all-skate. Reverse-skate! That's actually kinda like it's a girl-skate, and you can only if you're a guy be skating if you're holding hands. Man, I cannot believe the depravity of my life that I actually know that shit. I was always the guy working there, smoking in the backdoor, 'It's a girl-skate!' And they're like, 'You gotta mop up that vomit in the corner.' What a piece of shit thing that was. God bless where I'm from. I'm gonna play another new one that I like a lot, if that's okay with you guys, I'll play some new stuff. I've been writing a whole lot, I think that in December I'm gonna already go back in the studio and make another album because I just kinda started writing, after awhile, I didn't, after the Whiskeytown record, you know, took about nine years off my life trying to make it, I just didn't write for like a year, I just like fed the cats and watched my stories. And then 'General Hospital' is completely wrong now. Has anybody seen it? No, it's like all the greatest characters, you know, from like the early nineties are completely nil, and it's all like real, it's kind of like 'Friends'. It's just too Gap, I don’t know. I like the Gap, but I don't want it in 'General Hospital', I want that to be like, 'Can you believe Marcie slept with so-and-so?', and then the doctor throws the thing, and then the horse runs, I want it to be fucked up, you know? It's not anymore, it's boring. So when that started fucking up, I just started writing, and I haven't really been able to stop since, and so I just keep writing these songs, and then how cool would it be if like 'General Hospital' got like bands to play on it? That would be like really cool. You know, like, 'Emergency in the ER!' And then they're like, 'Matchbox 20 is here! Rob Thomas choked on a carrot!' And they play a song, that'd be fucking great! Maybe I should start my own. I can call it 'Sergeant Hospital'. Get it? Oh, that was terrible. Oh, man, that was a bad joke. I know a good one, I'll tell it later and try to redeem myself. Yeah, I know, really, thank you. Thank you the guy that just said, 'Good luck.' Okay, here we go."

Ryan: "Thank you very much. I'm sorry that I just feel like I'm so boring tonight, I'm really bored of myself."

Audience Member: "Matthew Ryan said you were evil."

Ryan: "I actually called him about that. True story. Do you wanna hear it? So Matthew Ryan and I are like perfect friends, like we both live in Nashville and stuff, and we buy drinks and we goof off and we talk about hockey and whatever. So I heard, the weirdest thing was a journalist from here who will go unnamed actually told me the story about Matthew Ryan coming here, and I was digging, and I was like, okay. And he goes, 'Yeah, it was kind of bad scene,' and whatever, you know, it sounded like a bad night. Ironically, I was having the same kind of night at Penn State in this pay pub. Oh. It was terrible."

Audience Member: "It was a bad night for the assholes behind us. Everybody up front was loving it."

Ryan: "It was kind of like that where I was, there was a whole table where I was in Penn State the same night that Matthew freaked out. I'm not gonna name the club, but it was a great place to get drunk, it was a bad place for some, you know, whatever the fuck I am to go and try to play songs. It just wasn't the place. They didn't give a fuck, they wanted to drink. And there was like football guys in there and stuff. It was the kind of place where if I picked a fight, I could sit there and watch myself become bloody fast. 'Fuck you! I'm gonna watch you kick my ass!' And there was this whole table of people, and I was playing this song, and they had a pitcher of beer, and they got another pitcher of beer, and they were like slamming beers, and I was singing a song, you know, like one of my 'Oh fuck me...oh...' and the guy when I was singing 'Oh Fuck Me Part 9', you know, that song, so the guy at the table goes, 'Oh...' while I'm singing, I'm like, oh my God. And so I wanted to become punk rock mad, you know? But I don't really have the muscles. What the fuck did I do with those cigarettes? Oh, duh. I'm sorry, okay. So this is really weird. So anyway, so this whole bullshit thing is happening, and I mean, I'm singing this song I wrote called 'Born Yesterday', that I like a lot, and I played it first, and he's going, 'Oh...' and stuff, like 'Hey, I got a booger!' They're just fucking morons. The guy was big though, I bet he's a great linebacker, man, I bet he was fucking awesome, mowing people down for the end zone. We need those guys, I just, we don't need them at that pub when I'm trying to play my songs. But it's his perogative if he wants to get drunk, ya know? All right, this story is getting too long, all right, see if I can hold you guys' attention for another minute. So anyway, so eventually the whole, the show I'm having is just disastrous to the point where I mean I actually had to walk offstage, and like, I don’t ever wanna do that again, like I don't ever wanna feel like I have to, you know, be some dickhead, wannabe rock star like, 'Ooh, the sound sucks.' It's like, fuck off, you know, like, I wanna take responsibility. So I was like trying everything I could think of to win the gig. And so I started to do Whiskeytown karaoke. Now, everybody that came to hear me to play the solo record completely hates me now, get all this fucking hate mail, and then all the jock assholes, some of them who knew songs, some of them who made up words became like my friend. 'You're okay. You could probably play like third defense,' or whatever, I don't know what the fuck they're saying. Nonetheless, so Matthew had this bad night here, and he got drunk, and so I called him after I talked to this journalist here about what was going on and everything. I had hung out with him the night that I got home before I did the interview with the guy, and we were all joking, 'Hey, hey!' whatever, you know, everything's great, we're drunk, and then down at the 12th and Porter, the bar that everybody goes and gets pissed at. So the next day I do the interview and the guy's like, 'Matthew Ryan apparently walked onstage,' and he goes, 'There's a light side, and there's a dark side. I'm the light side. And that guy's the dark side.' And he goes, 'Ryan Adams is your enemy!' and he unplugs and walks offstage. Which is kinda what I heard. So I called Matthew up, I got his number, and I'm like, 'Hey, Matt, you wanna go out for some cocktails?' and he's like, 'Oh shit.' He knew. And he goes, 'Man, I think I was trying to be joking, but I was so drunk that it might have been bad.' Yeah but no, we never fought about nothing, ya know? We drive, get burgers. Nah, no shit really. We go to this place, Big Burger, we go there. We drink a bunch of drinks. That guy is really fucking good though. I mean, he's amazing, I think. I think he's really good. It's so weird to live in Nashville too. I don't actually think that anybody on CMT lives there. I have never seen Travis Tritt. You know, the world's longest running mullet. No, no, no, no here's the dead truth about Nashville, it's really weird, but all those guys, have you heard that fucking song about the tractor? Whatever, you know, 'I'm not simple, I'm complexy, she thinks my tractor's sexy', whatever the fuck he's saying. That guy does not fucking live there. That guy is not from the south, that guy is from like, you know, Boulder. He lives in Los Angeles, you know, and they gave him the hat. And they gave him the straw, and they go, 'Do that thing in there,' he's not from there, nobody is! So you live in Nashville, it's like punk rock kids and fucking drug addicts and like drunks and like old men with like cool pants, and then there's like Emmylou, and there's like Steve, and Matthew Ryan is there, and Gillian and David are there, it's a cool town, it's not bad. So all the middle of town, lower Broadway, everybody that lives there, I mean everybody calls it Honkytown, just like giving white people a really bad fucking name. 'Come to the NASCAR Café, Jim!' you know, it's just like, fuck you! I'm not buying a burger from you! I don't drive a car, or I don't drive a racecar, I mean, I would, but you don't order a burger and then get in a NASCAR thing and go, you know, it's just stupid, it's ridiculous. I don't know, it's so strange, you know? It smells good there though, except for the Cumberland River, the river that runs through the little town, it really smells like somebody pooed on vomit, it's horrible. It's just sick. I think that's where they throw away all the records they can't sell when they come up with some new bad artists. You know, like whatever that like 'Way down south on the Chattahoochie, it gets hotter than a hoochie coochie,' it's like, fuck you, man! It's like, I'm from North Carolina, and I'm not a fucking asshole redneck, don't make me look like one. When I lived in New York, they're always like, 'Man, you got the southern accent and stuff,' and then they would, there'd be a guy going, 'Yeah, so Ryan, you got kind of a southern accent and stuff, so is it true down there?' I was like, what is it? 'You guys like roll around doing it in the hay and stuff?' I'm like, fuck CMT, man, what is wrong? I forgot I was talking, I'm sorry, I forgot I was talking again. I'm in a good mood, am I making somebody mad? Did I make anybody mad because I'm talking? I'm sorry. That's why he's out here 'cause I forget what I'm doing. Okay."

Audience Member: "Tell that joke!"

Ryan: "Oh, I better play a song, he's gonna get pissed off. Okay, so I don't know where I just went with all that stuff. Okay. Honky's bad. That's what we got out of that. Matthew Ryan good, honky's bad. I wish I had something really fast to go into now, but I just have something slow."

Ryan: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Van Alston, my great friend and co-writer. He's gonna tell a joke while I slam this drink so that I'm not boring anymore. It's got Kahlua in it, it's supposed to wake you up."

Van: "What's orange and red and looks good on a hippie? Fire!"

Ryan: "He doesn't mean it! We listened to The Grateful Dead like all day in the car like everyday. I'm not kidding, look, I just bought a new sticker! Look at this, I got, what's really cool about this sticker is that it's a metal Grateful Dead sticker, that is so cool. No because for fucking seriously real, man, I drive him crazy in the car, we'll listen to like 'Wharf Rat', and then I'll put on like Slayer South of Heaven or something. No, like I'm totally into like a bunch of weird shit, I'll be listening to like The Dead, I like the mid-period era Dead, they're really good, you know, like all that stuff. They were good. And then I'll listen to like, do you guys know like, oh shit, like Slayer, there's South of Heaven, The Haunting, the EP, is really good, Hell Awaits, and then [???] is really good, but I can't play none of that stuff on the guitar, no, no, I'm gonna try. And then Iron Maiden. But then I'll listen to something like D'Angelo...the slow jams, man! Now if there is a girl on this planet who can listen to a D'Angelo record and not wanna sleep with that guy, I wanna find out what's, who that is. That guy is fucking bad ass. I like talking about the new records, you know, D'Angelo is good, Macy Gray is really good, and oh man, I just got onto reggae, and Van fucking hates it, so I'll play it all the time, try to drive him crazy, like Upsetters, and [???], all that stuff, that's good stuff. I can't listen to no like damn like alternative twang [???], I can't do it anymore, man, it makes me wanna throw up. Just 'cause if I'm playing all that sad stuff, I can't listen to that shit, ya know? Oh, man, you know who's really fucking good is Mariah Carey, is awesome! No, no, no, no, man, that daydream, daydream lover song is good, and I like that 'Gimme your love! Gimme your love!' Sick, man! But can you fucking believe it that somebody actually dumped her? Derek Jeter dumped her, oh my fucking God! If you touched that guy, your finger would catch on fire, man, that guy is so down! I tell you what, I would bring Saltine crackers into the bed before she got in it. There ain't no kicking no Mariah out of nothing. That's some sick shit, man, unbelievable. On that note, I'm gonna keep playing music for a minute. Aw, man."

Audience Member: "Backstreet Boys!"

Ryan: "Oh, you guys wanna hear the Backstreet Boys song? Okay but this time I'm gonna try to do it really good though. I wanna try to do it like a bluegrass song. Oh, I know what key it's in now, man. Is this gonna make anybody mad if I play part of it? I don't know all the words, I can't remember, you can't tell what the fuck they're saying 'cause they're doing the dancing, and they go back, or whatever they're doing, I don't know. I have to say though personally I like N'Sync better than the Backstreet Boys, in all honesty 'cause they dance better, the guy wore an AC/DC shirt at the VMA awards. Man, that's my vote right there. And they got good songs, but they're too, I honestly can't, them and Christina Aguilera got too many fucking chords, I can't figure it out. So props to them, wow, you know, pop dudes playing songs I can't figure out on my guitar. But the Backstreet Boys, they're okay, you know. But I tell you what though, fuck O-Town, whatever that thing is. Did you guys see it when they asked him his shoe size, and he went, 'I dunno,'? You know, when they were like trying to get him clothes? I was like, where are you getting these people, man? Did you just pick a guy off the street? 'Can you dance?'"

"Something like that. Okay, I'm talking too much again, I have to start playing some more songs. I'm gonna try to play some songs I haven't played in awhile. I always feel so bad when I write a song like 'Monday Night' 'cause it just totally shows like how many fucking total, how many nights I got completely wasted listening to The 'Mats. No, it's true, no, but it's funny because then my old band, it was like, how many nights did I get wasted listening to Husker Du? It's like, fuck, it's like, why didn't I just move here? But the guy that's got the, had the hair, who blew the jeans out, and got to date Winona Ryder, man, he's from here too. She's with Beck now though, ugh. What a mistake, man. I'm right here, come on! You can't wreck my career, I already fucking wrecked it."

Ryan: "Okay, all right, I haven't played it in awhile, so if I fuck up, please don't get mad at me. Is anybody pissed off 'cause I'm talking too much?"

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "Okay, the people that aren't, you say no, but the people that are, say yes."

Audience Members: "Yes!"

Ryan: "No shit, for real?"

Audience Members: "Yes!"

Other Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "No, no, no, hang on, hang on, hang on, say yes again!"

Audience Members: "Yes!"

Ryan: "Oh, fuck! Okay, five in a row, and I won't stop, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad at me, I'm just a little tired. But I'll start playing, I'll play as long as you want or whatever, is that okay? I don't wanna make anybody mad, so, okay, here we go. Are you guys really mad?"

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "No, not you guys that are fine! Are you mad?"

Audience Member: "No!"

Audience Member: "Sing!"

"I feel like standing up for a minute 'cause I'm getting tired. Uh-oh. I don't really know how this stuff works. Fuck it, I'll do it like that."

"Thank you. Is there somebody in here that can make the microphone be not freaking me out? It does anyway, no matter what. Shit, what am I playing next? Oh, I know what I'm playing. Are you guys enjoying yourselves, is everything cool? I wanna apologize to the people that thought I was talking too much, I'm gonna try to stop that now, I'm really sorry, you guys."

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "No, no, for real, man, I apologize!"

Audience Member: "Tell your joke!"

Ryan: "No, I can't tell it 'cause then they're gonna freak out, and you guys are gonna rumble or something...or then someone's gonna kick my ass. This is my movie scene: 'This is an oldie...I mean, it's an oldie where I come from. All right boys, blues in B, watch the changes and try to keep up.'"

Audience Member: "'Everything I Do'!"

Ryan: "I would do that, but it sounds like crapola on the acoustic guitar. It does, it sounds like Eric Crapton trying to do something. Why doesn't he just start Traffic again, you know, or Blind Faith, it's like, what are you doing, man? The first time I heard that duet that Eric Crapton did with R. Kelly, I vomited. I was like, ugh. You vapid Englishman."

Ryan: "I'm really sorry, I just wanna make sure that guy's okay."

Audience Member: "Oh, we're okay."

Ryan: "Is he all right?"

Audience Member: "Yeah, he's good."

Audience Member: "He's overwhelmed."

Audience Member: "He was just swooning."

Audience Member: "He's all shook down."

Audience Members: "Awww!"

Ryan: "Oh, man! You should like lose three beer's worth of your buzz for saying that. You should get a buzz demerit. Who said that, man? Somebody point that guy out to me just so I can see him after the gig and laugh. Okay, I better play some more songs. What time is it? How many more songs do I have? Okay, it's 10 minutes, we gotta start playing, okay. See, I ran my mouth all night, are you guys really, truly pissed? Don't, and the guys that are not dissatisfied with the run of my mouth, don't say a word, are the people that are still mad at me still mad at me now? Hello?"

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "They got drunk! Woo! Saved again. So what song am I playing again? 'Memphis'? I just got a request for this thing. Okay."

"I wrote this today for my really good friend. I've never played it before. I would sit down again, but I think that you guys like it better when I'm standing up, I think. Okay, so this is brand new. It's called 'Firecracker'. Fuck, this is not gonna work! Hey, Van, is Van around? Can you just hold it, I can't fucking read the thing or something? Ladies and gentlemen, Van Alston, once again. Stand on that side because I'm right brain. I'm right brain, I'm a right brain! So I wrote this today at soundcheck in this very club, I love this club, and I love you guys, and thank you for being really sweet to me. I really appreciate it a lot. And the people, if the talking people are mad, I'll like get you stoned or something."

Ryan: "Oh my God, I'm doing an encore! Did you like my song 'Heavy Metal Firecracker'? I wrote that at soundcheck, the guy was so patient, the sound guy, oh, man, the sound guy does such a great job, you should give him a hand. And your bartenders over here, you know, tip 'em, they did a great job, they did a really good job on that guy, I hope he's okay, does anybody know if he's all right? That's why I switched to vodka, I don't ever fall down, I just get more like a socialist, you know?."

Audience Member: "Where's Lu?"

Ryan: "Oh, I don't know. Lou Reed? He's probably yelling at Lori Anderson somewhere."

Audience Member: "No, Lucinda!"

Ryan: "Or getting yelled at. I actually went to see Star Wars: The Phantom Menace with Lori Anderson and Lou Reed and one of her kids. That was really weird. I lived in New York, and there we are. So Lou decides to wear his leather, freaky jacket, and he has these big circular glasses on that have stars in 'em. And I was like, that's not cool. Like, we're going to see a movie, man, we're not getting cocktails. You're not getting laid unless Lori is gonna screw you 'cause you live with her. It was really weird, I don't know if we're friends anymore though, I don't really care either."

"Thank you, I think that's it. I really had a good time. I really appreciate everybody coming out and stuff, I hope that guy is okay, tip your bartender, this place rocks, that guy looks like Lou Barlow, a fuck lot like Lou Barlow actually, all the girls here are really pretty, you know, everybody"s got good haircuts, thank you! Woo! All right, bye."

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11-17-00: The Borderline - London, England

"So the lady on 'The Missing Link' was kinda nice today. That was pretty weird. Whole new thing on that lady, you know? I was pretty sure that she was probably like one of the meanest people I had ever seen on television. Today, she kinda got sorta slightly like forty-something sexy. She went from being mean to being just kind of a pill. I wouldn't fucking date her, but I wouldn't date me either. Listen, you know, I mean, just God bless her husband, that's all I have to say. This...that much a man probably at this point. She has a husband, right, isn't that true? Shocked to find that out!"

"Oh, fuck it, just put some reverb on it. It's just protest music anyway. I'm protesting sobriety on this tour."

"Hey, I just, someone just said that, Mr. Soundman, that we need to turn it up like ten percent because of the people in the back."

"I changed my strings tonight, just for you guys, and look what I did, I fucked it up."

"No way in hell. Fuck no, I already did that song really bad. This whole solo thing idea is to not suck. I done the suck thing! I'm just playing, I'll suck, trust me. Plenty of suck where that came from! All kinds of bad suck. Wait for the metal record. That's what me and Ethan are working on. It’s gonna be called like 'Black Folk'. Except for, I don't know how to do the archipe...lo...lo...gos...or whatever he does. What, what do you call that? Archipelagos. Sounds like a disease! Maybe it is! Hehehehehe...woo! I wonder if I like meet some girl in London, you know, and go, 'If you were a president, you’d be Baberaham Lincoln,' if that would actually work. I'm guessing no. Okay, okay, I'm gonna fuck it up because I don't have much time because of the damn discotheque thing."

"Oh, could you please mute the guitar while I get someone to tune it for me because I am guitar retarded? I'm guitared."

Ryan: "I gotta get real good at piano real fast. Can I play a song I'm working on? It's not all finished. The thing is, I have to make some shit up."

Audience Member: "Let's get it done tonight. Finish it."

Ryan: "All right. No problem. Is everybody enjoying themselves, is this going okay?"

Audience Member: "Play all night."

Ryan: "Fuck yeah!"

Ryan: "Every time I think I'm gonna do a normal set, this happens. Whatever 'this' is. I hope you guys aren't minding the new tunes, I mean, I can play whatever you want me to play."

Audience Member: "'AVENUES'!"

Ryan: "Do you guys see Caitlin up here or Mike Daly or any of those guys?"

Audience Member: "'Drunk And Fucked Up'!"

Ryan: "Yeah, how do you know that, man? See, that’s the intronet working on you, man. You gotta get out in the sun."

Audience Member: "Stand up! No one under six-feet-five can see you!!!"

Ryan: "See, the thing is I'm three-foot-two. The people up front would be fucked!"

Audience Member: "That's better than nothing!"

Ryan: "There's really nothing much to see, man, I swear to God. There's a lot of man here, trust me, but there’s not that much man up here."

Audience Member: "We're staring at empty stage!"

Ryan: "I'll get a picture, oh, hold on! Somebody got a piece of tape? No, no, no, hold on, anybody got a piece of tape? I'm not kidding!"

Audience: *cheers*

Ryan: "That's a hell of a lot better than looking at me. I just carry it around so my hairdresser knows how my hair is supposed to look. And if you believe that..."

Audience Member: "Where'd you get the picture of my mother?"

Ryan: "We gotta have a talk, man. It's like that movie when the guy has the cross through the door, you and I, man. Miss Robinson, I'm really sorry."

Audience Member: "'Wonderwall'!"

Ryan: "No, I've been doing that really good!"

Audience Member: "Don't bother!"

Ryan: "What do you mean, don't bother? I do it totally different!"

Audience Member: "You're in England!"

Ryan: "Look, just 'cause they’re from here doesn’t mean that I can't like them 'cause there's nobody like that in the United States. Bollocks. When you play your show, you can not play 'Wonderwall', when I play my show, I play 'Wonderwall'. Sorry. I don't know why everybody has to get so wound up about that song, it's a good fucking song! I know that they're all mad, and, er, whatever, my brother's a wanker, he's a fucker, whatever, who cares?"

Audience Member: "'Come Pick Me Up', ya bugger!"

Ryan: "Where are we goin'? I haven't heard bugger yet. I heard a lot of them...I know a bunch of 'em! I keep watching 'The Missing Link' to see if she’s gonna start cussing. 'Margaret, you are the missing link! Get out of here, you bugger! You wanker!' It sounds a lot better than 'fuck' and 'shit', so I have to say it. I'm so glad that I'm all serious at the real important gig!"

"You're fired! All right, you're hired back."

Ryan: "I'm sorry that I yelled at you about 'Wonderwall'. Are you mad at me?"

Audience: "YES!"

Ryan: "Oh, no, no, no, I'm not asking YOU, I'm asking HER."

Audience Member: "'Summer Of 69'!"

Ryan: "Oh, fuck you, whoever you are. That's just like so weak. There are so many things that you could have said, and you said that? Ugh, you're weak! I'm gonna call the lady from 'The Missing Link', and I'm gonna send her to your house."

Audience Member: "Dude, it's 'The Weakest Link'!"

Ryan: "I know, but 'The Missing Link', you know, like, rrrrroh, you know? You think I don't know that?"

Ryan: "Why do I have to sit down? Why can't I stand up if I want to?"

Audience Member: "Stand up!"

Ryan: "You guys are mean, man! Fuck off! I can do whatever I want. You already paid!"

Audience: *boos*

Ryan: "I can't sit, it won't work!"

Audience Member: "Come on, Ryan!"

Ryan: "Gimme a fucking minute! Goddammit, man, you guys are the most demanding fuckers on the whole thing! 'Do this, do that, don't do this!' You guys are like, 'So, Ryan, why do you think they chose you? You walk away with nothing, goodbye!' I came here with nothing anyway, so piss off!"

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02-17-01: Great American Music Hall - San Francisco, California

"Thank you very much. I couldn't get any dancers that I got along with for my choreography thing. So I got a bunch of robots and then they shorted out 'cause it started raining, so I apologize for the lack of stuffs. All right, thank you, goodnight! I wonder if I actually can get robots."

"I'm starting to feel like a plant, like I need Marlboro Lights to function or something, like I come from a different planet. I don't know what I'm talking about. Carry on. All right. So I got a bunch of new songs on piano, and I’m a hack ass piano player, so it's gonna be really funny. I can actually play it, I just don't know where the notes are."

"Whoa. Butterfingers. Oh, fuck, my book! I got another one. I got all kinds of strays. Oh. I can't remember anything. When I'm like 56, I'm gonna be like one of these old men that stands around with a rake, swinging at kids that are coming. 'Get out of my yard!' Ornery as hell. Just as backwards as I could possibly fucking be. What am I doing?"

Ryan: "So I got lots of new ones, but I'm gonna play some of that stuff and then smoke a bunch and play some more. Then smoke more and talk a bunch of crap."

Audience Member: "Need any backup smokers?"

Ryan: "That's an idea! I'm doing pretty good on my own, actually, which is..."

Audience Member: "I'm not!"

Ryan: "Uh, yeah. I tried to quit, and then my mom busted me really bad. We're on the phone and she hears (*flicks his lighter*). She's like, 'Ryan, I know you're smoking again.' I was like, 'Ma, I don't know!' 'That's fine, just make sure that you get your hair out of your face before the next picture.' Oh, and she has this weird thing too, she goes, 'Next time that you take a picture, don't wear ratty jeans. What are your aunts gonna say to me if you're in a photo, and there's ratty jeans? Like I can't afford to buy you good jeans.' I'm like, 'Ma, I'm 26, I buy my own jeans!' 'But I might wanna buy you some jeans!' It's like no, man, I'm gonna buy my own jeans, I swear to God."

"Thank you. Thank you, goodnight! Woo! Hey, thanks for coming to the show, by the way, and having me back to San Fran. And thanks to Tiff for open, she's just amazing. Little firecracker over there. All right, I'm gonna try this machine again here, see if I can't make it work. I think it needs some oil."

Ryan: "How am I doing, am I being too mad scientist? I'm crazy? I got a new shirt. Doesn't fit. Course I didn't try it on. It's like, 'I like that color! That looks good.' The arms don't fit, but if I do this, it looks like Frankenstein. Fuck it, whatever, ya know? So I've been spending time in Los Angeles 'cause I was..."

*audience members hiss*

Ryan: "All right, well, you live in Nashville when it's snowing for four months and tell me Los Angeles sucks."

Audience Member: "I live there, and it sucks."

Ryan: "Well, yeah, it sucks, in a like, well, I’m mean, I'm doing like the backwards Los Angeles, I'm like living in a hotel, and I don't know what I'm doing there, I don't know what I'm talking about. I thought I had this figured out. You guys are being mean. I'm not doing anything wrong. Give me a hard time, I'll sic Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown on ya. You'll wish you'd never said nothing! So this song goes out to J-Lo and Sean 'Puffy' Combs. No shit. Bless his heart. Poor guy. All kinds of bad shit happening for him. And that has to be the single worst, 'Think I wanna spend your cash' - *mic problems* - hello? Hello? Am I back? That song you know, 'Think I wanna spend your cash, I won't!' Wait. 'Drive your Benz, I got my own!' BAD shit, man. So may they still be friends. They seem like a perfectly good couple to me, ya know? *mic problems* I think the problem's over here, I think I might have just half lumberjacked your microphone. Oh, there, it sits back, it's cool. Don't worry about it. It's fine. It's keeping me indie rock. Check! Check! All right, all right, I’m gonna play something. This always happens when I get too much sleep, I just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, forget to play, talk, smoke, forget to play. I got like 23 songs written down to play, so you all better get drunk! And all the bouncers here are too nice to get in a fight with, so I’m screwed really, I gotta actually play good. All right, here we go."

"I finally got jeans that make my ass look cute. Which is a good thing 'cause I think that the only thing that my old band ever, the reason that we stuck around is because I was really good at showing my ass. I don't really think that, I'm just saying that 'cause I’ve got Tour Tourettes or something. What the hell am I playing? I know I have more songs than that. Oh yeah."

"Johnny B! Deputy Dog!"

"Stop looking at me."

"Hold on a second. That old boy knew what he was doing when he made that stuff, didn't he? Awww, it sucks! No, no, the drink, it just...ugh! That was the nectar juice that I drink every night after yoga. And now, a moment of silence. Whatever that shit is. I'm doing it again! Running my fucking mouth. Are you guys enjoying the new songs okay 'cause I can do the old songs as well? I just don't know, I'm like working on a new 'ablum' that's coming out, I don’t know when, but it's gonna be like a long record, and so I've written all these songs, and like I wanna play 'em in front of folks now because I figure like I'll know if it sucks 'cause you guys will probably go, 'That really sucks.' Like I had this one song, it's my favorite song of all the new ones on piano, and then some girl after the show. It's like, 'Does it sound too Journey to the people?' And then she goes, 'You know, it actually sounded a little bit more Richard Marx.' And I went, 'Oh!' It was like, why do you wanna treat me like that? But is there anything you didn't like that I should not use? I know some of it's kind of Pat Boone, Perry Como kinda sounding, but all I've been listening to lately is Dio, The Best Of Dio. Know that guy? No, it's great. For fun, I went to Kmart in Eugene, Oregon, and I went there, I was like, man, I gotta get some records, and so I bought, and I'm like having sort of this like, shhhh, this metal phase. Yeah, it's great, and I think it's like my inner guy going, 'I'm not a sensitive singer/songwriter, man!' So I've been like listening to, 'Like a rainbow in the dark!' And I bought, no, no, no, this really great record. I bought And Justice For All, Metallica. Woo! That record is so good! Like today it was kind of raining, I was walking down the street, you know, around here, with the headphones on. It was so cool. And I love all the classic guitar stuff. It's just perfect, it's great I can't really like write that stuff very good, so...I don't know what I'm talking about. But I know that, okay that, yeah. So whatever. That and I've been listening to that 3LW band. You know about them? These three girls that have to be from Brooklyn. They have that song 'Baby I'ma Do Right!' You don't know that one. And what else is really good? Yeah, the #1 record, Mariah Carey is bad ass. That 'Dream Lover!' That's great, man! It's so good! No, it's really good! Well, we're obviously at the wrong show. That's actually weird 'cause I just bought the best of Skynyrd too. Now, I'm from the south, so this is not a diss or nothing, but when you listen to those guys, with all due respect, that is some of the dumbest shit on earth. If anyone is gonna play like a ten minute guitar solo, they should not be able to pass like a GED course, I think. No, they should really be rocking like, 'Where's my booze and women?' And those guys like that, 'I'm a simple man!' It's like, yes, I understand that! You are! And I'm very appreciative of it, thank you! 'Cause those guys, like you know, at the beginning of 'Saturday Night Special' when it's like...*plays*...'Mr. Saturday night special! Gotta barrel that's so blue and cold! And I ain't good for nothing...to put a man six feet in the hole!' And you know, no, no, no, you like put that song on, and you hear that guy that's coming down the bar to kick your ass. You listen to that, and you go like, someone's ass is getting kicked right now in the world by some big guy that may or may not have motorcycle parts in his bedroom. It's awesome. I'm pretty sure of that, I don't know, but...oh, I had a point though. Maybe that was the point. Yeah, I don't know. So, uh, yeah. Oh, this was my point, oh, I said this in the car, and then I'll play, I'm sorry. One more thing! So there's like, Artemis is hanging out, smoking a doob, waiting for the guitar players, you know like Allen and Steve and all these guys to, three guitar players. So after they’re writing this song, I can see the practice room, they’re going like, 'Okay, we got the chorus, "Mr. Saturday Night..." and "six feet in a hole",' and they go, 'So, all right, and get this, do the riff like three times, and then I'm gonna play a solo, and then you play a solo, and then Steve, you play a solo, and then Allen, you play one, and then do it two more times, and then Ronnie you go like, "Here comes the end of the song!", and then we go...' 'Cause he does that! He goes, 'Here comes the end of the song!' It's so great! I love it! Okay, so that's it. Yeah. Oh, what am I doing? I think I have that free time thing going again. Okay, here we go."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Damn, I was almost punk."

"'I can't believe I’m sitting here talking to Patsy Cline!' Ooh! How am I doing? Is it okay, is everything fine? You having fun? *blows nose* I got allergies, hold on. Goddammit! I got the allergies. Did somebody just say Crazytown? Have you guys heard that band? I hate that band for putting that fucking song in my brain, man. You know that, what is it, 'Come, my lady, come...' No, no, no! But the part that really like, you know like, fingers down a chalkboard thing? You hate it, but you'll think about it? It's when he goes, 'You're my butterfly, sugar, baby.' It's like, OH!!! It's like, you know, some people have a problem with clowns, they have like a clown fear, clownaphobia, I got a Crazytownaphobia, no more Crazytown for me. That's just, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with those guys. They got like a tattoo artist on the road with them instead of a massage therapist, I think. Okay, so I have to sing this song in falsetto, so if there's anyway you can reverb it so I don't sound like a complete, like B.B. gunned mockingbird, it would be great. No, it's pretty bad, but I'm gonna do it anyway 'cause I’m a fearless motherfucker, and I'm gonna try. 'Woo hoo! He’s gonna sing in falsetto, it’s gonna blow!' Hold on, can I get The Cure Disintegration lighting for this one? Like 'Fascination Street' or...like, I don't know...I got a dimmer on this. I can't believe I just said that, that's terrible. Do you remember when Cartman said on that show, he's like 'Disintegration is the greatest record of all time, dude!' It was so cool, I was like, wow! Then they talked shit about Ayn Rand on 'South Park' too, I was like, whoa!"

"That's the song I got the Richard Marx shit on. It's like, 'Doh! Fuck!' All right, so this is a song I'm not done with, and I think it's 'cause I can always say every night, 'This is a song I'm not done with,' and I can just make shit up on it."

*audience members yell out songs*

Ryan: "Come on, I'll play that stuff."

Audience Member: "'Tiny Dancer'!"

Ryan: "Who said that? Who said that? Come on up here right now. Let's go!"

Ryan: "These things are good as hell! I'm getting like lumberjacked tonight, man. Woo!"

Audience Member: "Love you, Ryan!"

Ryan: "Love you too! I'll just apologize in advance. See, the robot thing, man. It's a machine, it qualifies! Kinda like, I'm not a citizen of France, but I can say, 'Le pantelone bleu!' [???] I'm already fucked, man, this is horrible."

"How long have I been playing? They know you're sitting there, you can tell me! If you're not sitting there, then I'm talking to nobody, see, and I look like a freak. Okay, it's been a really long time. There's no way in hell I'm playing that Whiskeytown stuff, there's no way!"

"I'm saving that one for last, obviously. Stupid rock star shit. You know, like, you wouldn't wanna go see Def Leppard, and they played 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' first, would you? Bless that band's heart, woo! That's a good drink right there, man. Woo! They said two, but I got two new ones, then I'll play that 'Come Pick Me Up' song, but I got two I wanna play, one of 'em is really sucky. But I keep playing it 'cause I'm trying to make it work. Hold on, how's it go?"

"Man, I don't feel like stopping playing, no one is leaving! All right, all right. One more or two more. Mr. Amazing So Cool Soundman, can I have like unnecessary amounts of reverb on my voice, shhhhhhh, for this one song? For this one song! Shhhhh...don't tell the crowd! Are you guys still having fun? Should I keep playing? Is it okay? This next song is called, 'The Next In Line' by Ronnie James Dio, formerly of the band Elf. No, I'm kidding, I'm not playing, 'the next in line!' Oh, can I also have The Cure Disintegration lighting for this, the most gothic lighting of all? Like maybe the most gothic lighting of the entire evening where I'm shrouded in black? Even more in black! Like so black like, 'Where is his red cape?' Yeah, man! Can't believe I got that, that's cool!"

"Sorry I played so long, you guys are great, oh my God, bye! Woo!"

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02-18-01: Cellar At John Foley's - San Francisco, California

"Sorry about the wait, I'm not feeling very good today. Please be gentle."

"Goddamn, my fucking stuffed up fucking nose. I feel like I'm singing like Kermit the Frog. Or maybe like Elmo would be better though 'cause he's a pretty cool guy. 'Elmo no like nose colds!' That's why I fucking smoke like a banshee. That was a Ron Wood moment for me, wasn't it? 'That is an English, Mick, like some language twins teach each other! It's that Esperanto.'"

Ryan: *blows nose* "That's a fucking lot of stuff. Woo! I'm gonna save that for later. I might need that stuff back in there." *blows nose*

Audience Member: "Sorry!"

Ryan: "What's that?"

Audience Member: "I'm sorry about your cold."

Ryan: "Oh no, it's okay, I'll be all right. I don't think it's anything YOU did. Did you start colds? If you did...you bastard. I didn't think germs could live in my environment, actually. They're like, 'I'm not goin' in there, man. What the fuck?' I don't blame them at all. Oh yeah. I got three cigarettes going, that's good. That's like cross contaminating biscuits and chicken. That actually happened to me, I worked at Hardee's. Do you know what Hardee's is? Do you have that here? Yeah, that was my job. It's actually a funny story. I got hired, I think they hired me 'cause they knew that I would you know, be a quick turnout. The guy before me, you know, he looked like he could go to college. And I was 18, I had like, you know, big punk rock hair, fucking mascara and punk rock jacket and all that crap, you know? I walked in there, and she's like, 'You're hired! You're a sucker!' It was right when they started the biscuits and chicken. Does that still happen? I don't know, I don't go there anymore. The memory is too much for me. But she was like, 'You're gonna have a very important job. We've never had biscuits and chicken before, so...' And my hometown isn't very big, so where I live, or where I'm from, actually, Jacksonville, North Carolina, is like very, very small, and so eating out there is going to Hardee's. That's really the only place to eat. You know, you cook at home, and you go like, 'Man, we've been savin' up, we're goin' to Hardee's tonight!' I'm like, 'Woo!' No shit, man."

Audience Member: "Big Deluxe!"

Ryan: "No, I think Big Deluxe is Wendy's."

Audience Member: "No it's not, it's Hardee's!"

Ryan: "See, this is why I was fired from Hardee's, 'cause I don't know!"

Audience Member: "Same guy that owns the Carolina Panthers!"

Ryan: "You're kidding me! I'm never watching a game again. Not that I do anyway. It's just an excuse for me to do a keg stand. Well, okay, so this is a really funny story. I'd like to share it with you, if you don't mind. So what happened was, uh, where's the tissues? So what happened was I got the job, and she goes, 'Now, Ryan, this is a very important job that you have to do chicken and biscuits.' And she goes, 'It's very important you don't cross contaminate,' so they trained me for a week to learn to wash my fucking hands. Which I was fine with, I was like, 'That's 800 bucks easy for a week, you know?' So I go there, and, of course, they run this advertisement the day the shit hits the fan, V Day, as I like to call it, so I'm back there, and it's like, noon's rollin' around, and I'd been putting together these chickens. This is the weirdest thing about the chickens they were makin', right? Get this, they came in these plastic bags, it was like Re-Animator. They killed the chicken, cut the head off, turned it into the parts, and then stuck it back together. When they were training me, they were like, 'Now, as you can see, it's been replaced as they way the chicken looks so you know which parts are which.' I'm like, 'Jeez, thanks, you know, I've never seen a chicken!' There's blood and gristle and shit in there, it was disgusting, I was, 'Oh, get the fuck out!' Which I, at the time, thought was cool, for lack of better things to do. Anyway, one of my managers looked like, you know that thing on SNL, 'Here's Pat'? All right, Pat was my assistant manager. My manager was actually this very, how do I say this, hot woman, that I don't know why, and she was drunk. I mean, talk about, come into work at 12, smelling like gin, I'm like, you go...you know, whatever you gotta do...you do that with your bad self. 'We need chicken and biscuits now.' It's like, 'It was a long night for you wasn't it?' 'I don't wanna talk about it.' Okay, so anyway, so they ran this advertisement, oh fuck me, two for one, and I could never remember to turn the fucking fry timers on, and that's bad for chicken! It's just like dropping fries, but you just put the Re-Animator parts in, and you drop the thing, and all I had to do was go 'BEEP!' and it says, '21 Minutes' or whatever the fuck time it was. And I couldn't remember that, I don't know why. Thank God for my current job because there's no buttons, well, these are buttons, but I forget them all the time too, but they don't go off, 'ERR, ERR!' Unless you're in Sonic Youth, which they're supposed to. So what happened was I'm in there, and I see the people lining up, the cars in the drive-thru, and I'm like, 'Oh, fuck me.' I just knew it was gonna be bad, and so I kept putting the stuff, and I'm going like, 'I gotta make these fucking biscuits. I don't know how to make biscuits, I lied.' I'm like, cutting the things out and then you have to put the butter stuff on, paint them, so I got this system, oh yeah, and you also had to bread the chicken, so I had this great system, and they told me how to do it, and their way was very clinical and probably wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. I didn't know this. My way was I just lined up all the chicken legs in one row and then took the egg yolk and went, 'BLAH!' like Jackson Pollock. And then I took the stuff, the bread, and was like, 'HAH! Breaded! Genius acting!' Then the fry vat, 'Oh, fuck, the timer!' 10 minutes later. So there's all this really black chicken and then this very questionable, maybe half-alive chicken that I'm serving. It's like 12:30, and like everybody's coming to Hardee's today. I got my hat on all cool, my hair sticking out, and they're like returning chicken that are bleeding. And if they're not bleeding, they don’t even look like chicken, they look like moon rocks. So Pat comes back on one side, and she goes, 'We need biscuits now!' And I'm like, 'What?' And she goes, 'We need 'em now!' And there's two doors, you know, like I worked in the back, see, I wasn't cool enough to be a sandwich guy. Sandwich guys were always cool, they were like, 'Watch this shit!' It really happens, don't do it, folks! So I'm all the way stuck in the back with the trashcans and the chicken. So there's two doors, and Pat ran the drive-thru, so she needed biscuits. And then Jane or Jan, or whatever, Drunken Hot Lady, or whatever, she would come the other way. So Pat's like, 'We need biscuits now!' And I'm like, 'Oh fuck!' Okay, I had to go wash my hands. There was like so much powder and dough on the one side, and then, of course, the other lady comes, 'We need chicken now!' And there was Re-Animator all over the table, and I couldn't figure it out. I'm like, 'Well, I'm gonna cross contiminate-' 'We don't care!' And the timer's goin' off, 'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!', I'm like, 'Fuck!' And like one timer's not goin' off, and you start smellin', I'm like, 'Oh shit!', and I'm pullin' it out. So finally I’d had it after about five 'We need 'em now!' I'm like, 'Here's your fucking chicken!' I ripped my hat off, threw it in a fryer, ripped the shirt off, and then I went to go try to clock out, and I actually see the real damage I'm causing, there's like twelve people at every cash register, and, oh, there's also this kind of cowgirl that ran the register that I really liked, and that's why I stayed on an extra week. I was all like, 'Come on, you know, like let's hang out!' She goes, 'You don't understand, you listen to punk rock, I listen to country.' I'm like, 'We're not gonna be listening to music! We're gonna be hanging out! We're gonna get a six pack and go make out in the fucking baseball park.' I never, whatever, that's a different story. So I went to go clock out, and, of course, I slipped, they had just mopped, and to clock out, you have to go to the register, and punch your digit in. Before I get there, I'm like, VROOP! Knocked something off, all these people are like, 'What is going on? I ordered chicken 10 minutes ago.' And I'm all like, 'Oh well, party life, you know? I’m outta here!' So that was my job. Oh well, chicken life!"

Ryan: "Goddamn, that Sudafed is kicking in, boys!"

Audience Member: "Seems that the cocaine is too!"

Ryan: "I don’t do that stuff. That stuff's for like Aerosmith. I like the slow jams, you know what I mean?"

Ryan: "My guitar broke today, unfortunately."

Audience Member: "Boo!"

Ryan: "I know, I loved that thing. But, oh well, what are you gonna do?"

"Oh, somebody fucking shoot me. I can't see shit without my glasses anymore."

"I don't know if he's here, but if he's here, I wanna play a song, not right now, but is Chuck Prophet here? Where is he? Hi! 'Captain Grudge! You tell me!' I think Chuck is a bad motherfucker, personally. But also a jerk 'cause I can't get that fucking song out of my head. 'It's New Year's Day again...' It like rattles in my head hungover, and I'm like, 'Stop it, stop, stop it!' Uh...oh shit, what am I playing now?"

Audience Member: "'Dancing With The Women At The Bar'!"

Ryan: "I'm never playing that song ever again. I got one I haven't played. It's, uh...I don't know what it's about yet. We'll find out."

Audience Member: "Yeah, play that one!"

Ryan: "Yeah, man."

"So this is a lot different from the coliseums I'm playing now. I've been touring with Journey and Styx. Bunch of fucking robots, man. On that Styx tour, boy, they got some robots up there! Them old boys got them robots up there! 'All right, this next song is like a cross between Pantera and Metallica. Because it's kinda like Kirk Hammett and Dimebag Darrell. I once went to a Pantera concert, and I met Dimebag Darrell, and he said that knew Kirk Hammett, so, in a way, like I know Kirk Hammett. And Lars Ulrich. Oh well, party life.' I have to sing this song in falsetto, I'm not gonna do a very good job 'cause I have Kermit the Frog voice. Wow, man, Sudafed is making me loopy! I was just talking about Kirk Hammett, man, that's pretty fucked up! Wow! If only Ma could see me now! Oh, I didn't say it, I'm supposed to say this before every time I play it. This song goes out to Jennifer Lopez and Shawn 'Puffy' Combs. J-Lo and Puff. May you all work your shit out. I'm thinking about ya. For real, man, I mean, I wanna send 'em the song. Go like, 'You all just work it out, man!' Come on. 'My boy's gotta go to jail!' Oh. J-Lo and Puffy."

Ryan: "Ow, what the fuck is that? Unbelievable. All right, one more piano song. Ten more piano songs! Are you guys having fun, is everything okay? I'm sorry I'm not feeling very good, but I'll be better tomorrow."

Audience Member: "Louder!"

Ryan: "Louder what?"

Audience Member: "We can't see you!"

Ryan: "Well, I was gonna wear my Gene Simmons boots, but they didn't match my shirt! I'm sorry you can't see me, what would you like me to do?"

Audience Member: "Turn up the volume!"

Ryan: "I don't have an amp. I'll just turn up my Marshall stack. 'My Marshall stack that I got autographed by Kirk Hammett and Dimebag Darrell, respectively of Pantera and Metallica. This next song is for Kirk Hammett. Actually, this next song is for Jason Newsted, I can't believe he's leaving Metallica, but I wish him well. And I really enjoyed him in Flotsam and Jetsam.’ I love metal, man, it's so hard." *blows nose*

"If I had felt better, I was gonna actually, I got the Mariah Carey #1 record on CD, and they were gonna put it in the CD player, and I was gonna sing along with 'Dream Lover', it was gonna be great. But I didn't do it 'cause I wasn't feeling good. But I will do that some other time for the fine people here in Frisco."

"Oh, wait, I've got something I wanna talk about. All right, so, I was talking about Skynyrd last night, but I got this new thing about Skynyrd today. I wanna write a book about like the philosophy of Skynyrd. So, you know how in 'Freebird' how they say, 'Like a bird, I can't change'? Well, what the fuck is he talking about? It's like, I think I'd been in the car too long, but I was going like, so what, is there like a guy somewhere that makes like an alligator-head bird, like a Re-Animator bird, where he's like going like, nobody would try to put like an alligator tail on a bird, you know like they try to like attach somebody's hand to a person now, and the body just rejects it! No! You cannot change! So what is he talking about? Like the alligator bird thing, that's just gotta stop. Is that what he's saying? Is there someplace where they do that? I don’t know. I gotta find out though. So we gotta stop birds from changing is what they’re saying, man. We've all gotta stick together and stop some birds from changing. What the fuck is that? That's caveman stuff, I love it! Any day now, someone from Skynyrd is gonna kick my ass royally. But it will be okay because I'm sure that he knows 'Kirk Hammett, it's like getting closer to Kirk Hammett.'"

Audience Member: "'16 Days'!"

Ryan: "Oh, piss off! No way! You are mining a dry well. You will have to put a gun to my head, and I will laugh at you. I am just as sick as I could be of that shit."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Man, I don't know who you are, that I said I was gonna kick your ass, please don't hurt me. I'm like a bird, I cannot change."

"I love that song. Thank you, Chuck. Thank you, Captain Grudge."

"I actually wrote a lot of the songs for Heartbreaker when I was on tour with Chuck. He and Kim Richey and I did this like solo acoustic tour where I decided that I really sucked, and I better like maybe try to like learn how to play guitar. Actually, I wrote 'Come Pick Me Up' in Seattle on Valentine's Day last year at the Tractor Tavern backstage because I was, it was supposed to be a joke, ya know? It was Valentine's Day, and I manage to fuck it up really good right before Valentine's Day every year. So I'm just gonna quit talking now."

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04-24-01: KB- Malmo, Sweden

"So I went and bought the, you know, the idiot book for learning Swedish. It's got English and then Swedish, I'm gonna be a tyrant so bad. But I've only learned some stuff, but I'm gonna try to learn how to like, you know, talk about cars or something in Swedish first. Something important...or irrelevant. That way if I'm not making any sense, I'm not offending anybody. Probably be saying something like, 'Your car is very fuck off!' you know? I don't know. I screw up everything. I can't even barely speak English, let alone fucking Swedish."

"All right, so I just wrote this one about an hour ago. We'll see if I an actually do it. If I fuck it up, just, it's okay, I'll keep it rolling right along. Or something. Uh...yeah. Lägg av!" *audience cheers* "No, no, no, don't encourage me! Don't feed the bears!"

"Thank you very much a lot! All right, all right, back to business...sorry!"

"I think I just set the place on fire!"

"Okay, so do you wanna hear a sad song or a pitifully sad song? 'Cause this guy doesn't make no happy songs. This machine...or whatever, you know, you wanna...I guess it's a machine, right?"

"Thank you, good night. Thank my guests! You've been really great, I am so glad to come back here, let me come back again, please. Take it easy."

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05-10-01: The Boardwalk - Sheffield, England

"How are you guys doin'? I'm okay."

Audience Member: "Stand up!"

Ryan: "What's that?"

Audience Member: "Stand up!"

Ryan: "Well, if I stand up, then you won't be able to hear me, you'd just be able to see me. If you wanna look at me all night, I'll just give ya a picture. You can go down the street to the pub."

Ryan: "Can you give me like less Exorcist lighting and more like...'cause if I'm gonna be hot, they might as well be able to see me. I feel like I'm in a microwave."

Audience Member: "There's a fan behind you."

Ryan: "Oh really? Oh, I think it's on, actually. That's all right."

"Thanks a lot."

"So I just went down the street a minute ago, and I ended up watching Fiddler on the Roof. I don't know how I got there. It was pretty good, I think. Uh, and, um...I don't know. I found my way back though. I just followed the bars. I was like, 'I remember that one...I remember that one...'"

Ryan: "Listen, soundman, when I'm playing, there's like Star Wars noises going onstage the whole time. Like from over here, it sounds like Darth Vader is in this guy. So it's kinda like, 'Winding Wheel!' I can't get my groove on. Not to be a diva, but it's just going like, 'BAAAA!' I'm not sure if it's supposed to do that...unless I picked up The Devil somewhere. Are ya'll hearin' that? I hope not."

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "Oh good! Then don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm already in pain. Oh, see, there it is again. Oh, you've got the piano mic on, can you turn that off? Ah! Okay, I'm starting over. I'm not kidding. I'll do a different version. You're doing it too, stop it! I don't have many people to talk to on tour. It's a luxury and a problem. They're gonna redo Castaway after my tour: Ryan and a microphone. I'm praying it's on a deserted island somewhere except for the only thing that's gonna roll up from the plane is this huge vat of Guinness. 'Cause you can live on that stuff, it's a meal!"

Audience Member: "Lived on it!"

Ryan: "Yeah, man! Woo! I'm gonna do it again, I really am, is that okay? I think I’m gonna do it how I wrote it. I know that was really fast, that was kinda like speed metal version. But I wrote it much slower. 'Be my winding wheel!' *starts playing* *stops* I didn't write it like that either!"

"So much nicer without Star Wars. Hey, I like that movie and everything...I never played guitar to it though before. Maybe I'll write my next record about Star Wars. I don't know exactly what you'd write. Like...*begins playing*

Hey, Luke
I bet you didn't know your dad was Darth Vader
Don't worry 'bout it, kid
We're gonna tell you later
Mind your hand
'Cause he's gonna cut it off
Mind your hand
'Cause your dad's gonna cut it off
And be careful that you don't go kissing your sister
'Cause that's pretty rank.
It's illegal in some states
Course you don't live in a state
Think you live in outer space
Oh, and mind the Ewoks in Episode 3
They were always annoying to me
Big furry fuckers
Pretty Disney
Oh yeah, and Han Solo
He's got a pretty fast ship
It's kinda like an intergalactic
K-Mart with a laser on it

I can't believe I'm making this up!

Oh yeah, and he's gonna hook up with Princess Leia, that's your sister
That's okay 'cause you'll have a robotic hand

Sorry. Little racy. Oh yeah.

And Jabba the Hut is pretty fat
And I don't mean with a P-H in front of that
He's gonna carbon freeze Han Solo, and you're gonna have to get him out
That's okay 'cause by then
You'll be a Jedi
And you won't be afraid of him

I'll make something else to follow that up really quick just 'cause I think it'd be funny, hold on...*starts playing*

Star Trek
What happened?
You used to be so good
Now you're like an intergalactic soap opera without the hood"

Audience Member: *starts clapping along*

Ryan: "Oh, don't clap, make it worse. Thank you though! That's the end of the song. How 'bout...

Star Trek
You suck!

Okay, that's it. Go on to something else. 'Yeah, he was pretty good until he started talking about Star Wars!'"

Audience Member: "[???] you do 'Wonderwall'!"

Ryan: "Yeah, man! But it's not quite the same. 'Legend! The legend. Moving through the forest of England with green underwear, and not because they were painted green, but he never changed them with a bow and arrow and a guitar, and he would play "Wonderwall".' I never played it in front of them though, that would be terrible. Can you imagine? They'd have to come up and say something after the show, wouldn't understand a word they were saying. 'Cause I talked to one of those guys once, and I don't know a fucking thing he said. He talked to me, Liam, for like two minutes straight, and he was like, '*speaks mostly gibberish*', and I was like, 'All right! Ha! Is that right?' And he's like, 'Yeah!' And he went, '*speaks more gibberish*', and he's like, 'Cheers, good seein' ya!' My girlfriend at the time, walked over to her and go, 'What did he say?' and I was like, 'I dunno. I dunno, I think he was nice, I think.' I have no idea what he said. I'd love to know, but I'm sure it was just something about like Blur or something. Is that still going on? That whole thing? That was more popular than football with me for awhile."

Audience Member: "We can't hear ya back here!"

Ryan: "I said that I like your shirt!"

Audience Member: "Play your songs!"

Ryan: "I would say, 'Make me!', but I'm afraid you might be in the front row. Okay, make me! I wrote this one just for you, sir, Mr. Man! It goes like this! Thank you! 'Ryan Adams Found Dead in an Alley.' Please put me out of my misery now. All right."

"This is an oldie but a goodie I like to play back on planet Earth from time to time...don't ya know?"

Ryan: "All right! I have been sent here to bore you to death. I tell you what, after about three weeks of doing this tour, I realized that I am a sappy fucker."

Audience Member: "Ya like Tetley's?"

Ryan: "Do I like tetanus? No. I had it once, I think I stepped on a rusty nail. Do you like it? What did you say?"

Audience Member: "Tetley's!"

Audience Member: "Beer."

Audience Member: "Tea."

Ryan: "I don't know, how is it? I've never had it. She says it's rubbish, you guys should fight!"

Audience Member: "SPEAK UP!"

Ryan: "I SAID I LIKE YOUR PANTS! No, I said..."

Audience Member: "I CAN'T SEE YOU UP THERE!"

Ryan: "You don't wanna see me, nothing to look at. I said [???]. Shit, that's an encore if there ever was one! All right. Okay, I'm gonna stand up so you can see me, but I hope you don't run. I'm sorry I forgot my Marilyn Manson stilts, but, and, I just don't know how to be any taller. I tried hanging from the coat rack today for as long as I could, and it didn't work. Don't worry, next time there will only be five people here, and if you wanna come back, you can sit right up front. And we can get tetanus together...or whatever the fuck it's called. I didn't realize getting tetanus was so in over here in England. I know you guys got a lot of weird qualities, but that's a new thing for me. I'm trying to fit in. This is a song I wrote about the glorious principle of gettin' pissed! 'Cause if I'm boring you, I'll just shut up, but this is interesting. So I had this girlfriend, ha ha ha, yeah, joke's on her, we broke up, so I decided that I was just gonna live in hotels for awhile. So I went to Los Angeles and lived in a hotel, which is funny in itself, if you've ever been there, it's pretty, how do I say it? Sucky. Yeah, it's fucked up. Anyway, so I was staying there, and people there like to do stuff like get tans and network, or something, I don't know. But I just went there 'cause there was a couple of bars that I liked. So this is my song that I wrote about living in Lost Angeles, gettin' pissed at the pub. 'Please, sir, can I have some more?' I guarantee you won't like it."

"Thanks a lot! Be good! I'll see ya next time, bye!"

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10-05-01: Paradise Rock Club- Boston, Massachusetts

"Hey, what's up? How are you doing?"

"Do you guys mind if my friend comes and sings this next song with me? Okay, my friend, come up here. This is my friend Adam, he's gonna sing a song with me. Where is that guy?"

"I got a blue bear on my shirt because once, when I was too stoned, I got attacked by a blue bear."

"Everything sound okay, you all right, everybody okay? What are you all doing here? How 'bout that Paul Burch, he's something else, isn't he? He's fucking great! I think you can get his records over there, I got 'em, they're good. They're amazing."

"Hell freezes over!"

"You guys all right if we just keep testifying?"

"We haven't tried this song yet, but do you guys mind if we try it? 'Cause Billy doesn't know this key, but if we fuck it up, we'll just do it again. My harmonica needed a drink."

Ryan: "Are you having fun, is everybody okay? You sure, you enjoying everything all right? And all these fabulous people, they’re great to me. Can I introduce them to you real quick? Over here, we got Dan Eisenberg on the damn [???]. He's single, he's got a good shirt, his turn-ons are beef brisket, his turn-offs are Texas and barbecues. Right here on bass, we've got my bestest friend Billy Mercer. Back there on the drums, we got B-1, Brad Pemberton. He likes The Clash. Well, can't ya tell? Fuck! Don't hit me. And right, here we got Brad Rice, you guys know Brad Rice? Playin' all kinds of guitar. And last but not least, Mr. Bucky Baxter, the man in the blue hat. Thank you for coming to our show. That was really sweet of you, I think that's awesome. We don't get to play in Boston much 'cause every time I try to come here, I, something happens to me, my plane gets struck by lightning, or my ear blows up...no, it's true, it happened, that shit really happened. No, I was at the airport once with Mike-fuckin'-Daly from Whiskeytown, and, yeah, you know that guy, right? And we were standing in La Gua-...oh, was it, oh it was, yeah, La Guardia...or Newark! Who knew that? That's weird. Get off the Internet. No, really! But were you there? And we were standing there, we were, like, watching the plane, you know, we're like, 'Man, this is gonna be a sketchy flight!' And I couldn't, I wasn't good at flying back then, so I was, like, popping Xanax, ya know? Like, 'Well, I'm gonna go down smooth, baby!' And we're standing there, and like, there's the plane, right? And here's the lightning. BOOSH! It was like, WOOP! We gotta go home, fuck that shit! I didn't come that time. The other time, my ear blew up, it was like Poltergeist shit coming out my ear, I think it was what was left of my brain. Ironically, since then, I've done pretty good, so...if that makes any sense. And I wanna thank the radio station here that's playing my song, that's pretty weird too, and pretty cool, they're nice people. And Adam! They were gonna come out and introduce the band, but I get so nervous before I come on that I have to throw up real good, ya know? And so I just didn't want them to deal with that. So if there's anybody here from that place, cheers to you, man. Thank you for playing rock and roll music for fuckin' once. And anybody else that will because I'm just about tired of some damn...*does a beatbox* 'Baby, come here!' It's just, I don't know. Wait, wait, wait, but it's very different when Mariah Carey does it! Now that's cool! Everybody knows I'm in love with her. Derek-fucking-Jeter, can you believe that? Woo! Dumbass! I'd hand her the fucking crackers and point her to the bed. That's where it is, right over there, you go and have a snack! What the fuck am I talking about?"

"Adam Duritz, get your ass back out here for a minute, I wanna play another song with you! We're gonna play a song by a friend of mine that's really cool as fuck, and I compel you to buy his new record because it's so good, and he's really good, and he's so soulful and rocks and everything like that, and what am I talking about? Adam’s got a new record coming out pretty soon, isn't it coming out pretty soon? Ah, the key of...some bitch. We're having a lot of fun up here, man, I hope you guys are having a good time, are you all okay? It's really early, we can play for a long time, right? 'Cause you guys can drink until when, right? Like late, right? Two? All right, I'll hurry."

Ryan: "Thank you, these boys are incredible, aren't they? They're fucking awesome! I love you guys. You guys love to testify. I saw you today at the record shop, you were reading a book, what was it? It's time to throw the band for a loop."

Audience Member: *yells something*

Ryan: "Oh, stop it. Do you guys listen to The River? Do you guys listen to that radio station?"

Audience Member: *yells something*

Ryan: "Oh, that was mean. Don't do that. Don't get me in trouble here, I'm trying to be really good. Don't set me off."

"Thanks a lot, you've been awesome, THANK YOU! You're fucking beautiful, I love you, bye! So cool, it's nice to be back, thank you!"

"Some more like this for a minute? Is that all right?"

"All right, thank you, take it easy, see ya! Thank you so much, we'll see you next time, all right? Thank you, everybody. Okay? Be good...be safe."

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10-09-01: Headliner's Music Hall - Louisville, Kentucky

"It's nice to be back, thanks for having me and my friends."

"Oh, man. How 'bout that Paul Burch, huh? He's something else, isn't he? Oh well."

"It's gettin' awful hot in here. Oh, hell. Oh, hell, Kentucky, what are you doin' to me? 'It's like, one minute I was making babies, the next thing you know, I was up here on stage in front of ya'll. My life got away from me, but Doolittle, that's my husband, he don't want me to say nothing.'"

"It feels awful nice in here tonight, you guys are fuckin' awesome. We were in Canada yesterday. Oh, Canada. I think we're in Kentucky now, Brad. That's all right, isn't it? I think we can testify in Kentucky."

"Hi! How are you doing? Are you having okay time so far? We got another hour and a half to go, so...it takes awhile, it's like good sex, gimme a minute, will ya? 'I can't believe you're gonna do something just as [???] as that. Listen to your old guitar, just a growling like a bear, just a [???].' If I don't quit watching that movie, I think someone's gonna institutionalize me, actually. Ah, maybe they should have already done that. Brad's got twelve strings, so he's just tuning, how have you guys been, everybody been good? It was just cold here, but it just got nice again, right? That's what I heard. That's good, right? Anybody do anything weird with their summer?"

"We got too many instruments onstage, I'm sorry. Keep switchin' 'em. I think it's time to talk about Tina, what do ya think?"

"Are you having fun yet? No. I'm sorry if you're not having fun. This is an all-girls skate. All guys, go to concession stand and get your weird, freaky nachos with that fucking toxic-ass yellow cheese nacho sauce, which they have not determined exactly what is on it yet, not that you care because you're just waiting for the all-girl skate to be over so that you can make out with her. But not if I want to first! Not that she would, 'cause I wouldn't date me either, but I would definitely make out with me, probably. Just so that I could, you know...I don't know. Are you guys up for a slow one, are you okay with that? Hey, Mr. Lightman, make that one go away, please! If I had a firearm, that would be gone right now. Bye-bye, okay. I want some, like, Cure Disintegration lighting, man, I want some, I want some Pete Seeger lighting, come on."

"All right, now it's a song for the guys! Do you ever, like, try to talk to your girlfriend or whatever, and she's like, 'I wanna go to the movies!' So you take her to the movies, she's like, 'I hate that fucking movie!' You're like, 'What do you fucking WANT, man?' That's right, break up with them all now so that I can have them! Better me than like Billy Corgan or somebody that ain't got, looks like, comes from Mars or something. I'm just joking, I'm playing around. Anyway, so this song is called 'The Rescue Blues'. Ever feel like you got the rescue blues, you know what I'm talking about, anybody?"

"You guys are a lot of fun, thank you! You're so nice! Sometimes, they just look at us and go, like, 'What the fuck is that ZZ Top shit?' And I'm like, 'That's exactly what it is, it's ZZ Top shit, fuck you!' I think you're supposed to stare at your shoes or something. I don't know, I mean, I might be freaky, but when I play rock and roll, I wanna shake my fucking ass all over the place. I don't know, why not?"

"Kentucky! All right!"

"I'm gonna play a new song now. It's for a really, really, really cute Canadian girl...that's...something. And it's not about Allen Alda. You guys don't mind a new song, do ya?"

"Should I keep it, is it good? It's a little thirty-something, but I don't care."

"Thanks a lot, goodnight, it was amazing! Goodnight, we'll see you later."

"Hi. Do you mind if I play a couple by myself? You guys sound like you're having a really good time, and I really think that's great. We needed that, we had a bad show last night, and tonight, I feel it's really okay, like you guys seem to be okay. I thank you so much, right on. And this is a four o'clock town, which means we can do just about whatever we want, doesn't it?"

"They're saying, 'Turn the guitar up,' I don't know if that makes any sense."

"Look at these guys, who are these guys? Do you mind if I introduce my fabulous friends? They're all my friends, and they're all really good. Let me start over here. The man in the silly hat, Mr. Bucky Baxter. W-W-W dot 'Hooterville'! My friend, ally, and kick ass guitar player, Brad Rice. We got North and South Carolina covered in the band now. Behind me, he likes The Clash, he likes to wear black, he's single as hell, and from what I've heard, he's a good kisser, although I don't wanna find out, Mr. Brad Pemberton, B-1. And my bestest friend on bass, Mr. Billy Mercer. BILLY!!!! And last but not least, from San Francisco, or Berkeley, whichever way you want it, Mr. Dan Eisenberg on the damn son of a bitches! His turn-ons are barbecue and hot chicks, his turn-offs are Texas and robots. And not to be cheesy, but could you really give these guys a hand? They are really kicking ass for me. It's hard playing in a band again. I love you guys. You guys are awesome. Oh, fuck you, Bucky! I'll see you later, man. Meet me behind Taco Bell at four, we're having it out! Two chalupas, and I'm a fucking madman! All right, here's one for the road."

"Thank you guys a million, all right? All right, we'll see you later. Thanks. All right, goodnight, we’'ll see ya, okay? Be good. Get in lots of trouble! Four o'clock, right?"

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11-11-01: Gothic Theatre - Englewood, Colorado

"This is our first show since we got back from Europe, so we got all new amplifiers, and I don't know if we know how to use them yet. I don't know if we ever knew how to use one. So be patient or whatever. No, I don't know really what they are. We had to use the English amplifiers. Instead of sounding like The Kinks, we sounded like The Knicks."

"I got a new pedal, I don't know how to work it. But I figured out it was on the whole time, and it was supposed to make it louder, but it made it quieter, which makes me technically not a guy that should play with pedals. But watch this shit, this is really cool, watch this. Ah, hold on, I'm learning. I don't know what I'm gonna use that for, but it looks really fucking cool right there! I probably shouldn't play with that one anymore. Sorry."

"Oh, Mr. Light Person, could you give me like a Siouxsie and The Banshees mid-period bad 80s lighting. On me, man! Oh! That's like Disintegration lighting for sure. 'It's so cold, I feel like I'm dead. So cold feel like I'm dead with no lipstick left, it's all smeared on my face.' I have to get back, I don't know how to do this anymore. Trust me, what I lack in quality, I will make up with in quantity, I'll just keep playing. You'll be like, 'Oh, he was kind of half-assed, but he played a long time!' I'm like, 'Right on.' Okay, man, I want one, just one light on me, please! No, but you gotta make all the other ones go away. Come on!"

Ryan: "You having fun, is everybody okay? All right! Is the elevation higher here or something because I'm REALLY high? No, I mean, does it affect your buzz? It does, right? That's why you guys move here. Because you only have to take half a bong hit, and you're there. I think it's it true, Bucky, do you know anything about that?"

Bucky: "I know I'm at the same place you're at."

"That thing right there is just a bad math problem, that's all that is. I'm sorry that we're so loose, we're just really glad to be back in the States, really. Except United Airlines can kiss my ass. They actually tried to today. I think I shocked the guy. He was reaching for the gloves, I'm like, 'Go on, sweetie.' He was like, 'Okay, let him through!'"

"This is a lot of fun, thank you guys for coming out, I'm sorry we're so jetlagged! Wow, jetlag is weird. It's like three drugs, but like bad ones. Okay, could I sing a new song? This is a song about this really bad ass Canadian girl that I refused to go to the movies with. Yeah right. This is like Elmo theme song. Did you guys hear the Elmo taxicab shit? He goes, 'Hi, this is Elmo, you're in a taxicab, you should wear your seatbelt!' I was like, 'Right on!' I'm in Denver, so I can say this, if no one understands that Elmo is psychedelic as fuck, then they're really weird. I personally think that Elmo is like maybe, well, 7, well, maybe 13% more psychedelic than Terrapin Station, but I don’t know. 'Cause I can't listen to that record because I get 'flashbacks'."

"Sorry about the 'Freebird', 'Sweet Home Alabama' mix up, it was our bluff. You having fun, you okay? Hey, turn the lights on so we can see these people, can ya? No, those lights, not these fucking lights! Hi! Hi, how are ya? Okay, turn 'em down. This is a lot of fun, huh? Okay?"

Ryan: "Thank you. I don't feel like I'm singing very good, I'm really sorry, I'm just so fucking tired. I can bag groceries though! Billy has a personal announcement he would like to make, is that okay with you guys, my friend Billy? Come on, Billy, my bestest friend!"

Billy: "Actually, Brad emailed a [???] of mine today. Do you know who [???] is? We sent him an email today. We're waiting to hear back."

"Okay. Is everybody still all right? Turn the lights on again, where is everybody? I can't see shit! Are you having fun? Right the fuck on!"

"...my guitar in London. Those bastards! Mr. Man, I'm so sorry! I even took it to special baggage. You don't have to put the light on it, it's already damaged enough."

"I would never normally do this, but I'm gonna do this only once and here. No and never fucking again."

Ryan: "Paul Burch, everybody!"

Paul: "Ryan Adams, everybody! Goddammit, give him a hand! I met him in Ireland, and every time I read a review of my record, I kept reading a review about Ryan, and I said, 'Who is Ryan?' [???] across the street said, 'Who the hell is Paul Burch?' Everybody said we wouldn't like each other, but we do. He's got a nice new t-shirt too, go buy lots of 'em."

Ryan: "Who does, you do? I do not. Don't lie."

"I'm really sorry, I loved that guitar so much, and I know it sounds really petty and weird, but it's really fucked up 'cause that's all I got for like seven years, that guitar. Every record I ever wrote is on that guitar. No, and weird enough, I was talking to Emmylou, and I was like, 'Man, I should take it off the road.' And she said, 'Ryan, some guitars are just road dogs.' And I said, 'Well, what the fuck does that mean?' She goes, 'They just wanna be out there.' And I'm like, 'Well, it hasn't broken yet.' And she goes, 'Well...it will.' And when her voice breaks up like that, like you just get this cosmic hard on, you're like, right on!"

"Sorry...that's the Russian tap water speaking."

"Bucky, you look like you wanna come out here, do you? There's no curfew tonight. When we were in England, we could only play for like two hours, there was like discotheque, you know? But I'm back in the States, and I'm jetlagged! So I know it's not conventional, and I know my hair's all fucked up, and we're playing weird stuff, but we're just gonna keep playing for awhile 'cause I don't care! You guys paid some money to get in here, so is that all right?"

"It's good to be home, thank you guys for letting us come back!"

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12-06-01: IMU Lounge - Iowa City, Iowa

Ryan: "Hello, how are you? Hi! Let's play some rock and roll music, how 'bout it? Have we ever played here before? Have I ever played here before?"

Audience Members: "No!"

Ryan: "Well, damn, hi! Thanks for having me here! I don't know, did we go shopping today or anything, what did we do? Everybody's got the flu. And I'm wearing Leona's clothes. I'm not kidding. I'm even wearing her underwear. Shhhh, don't tell anybody. Anyway, thanks for having us play here, we're gonna try to play pretty good, we're all pretty sick with the flu, but I think it'll be all right. So if you have to make out with any of the band members, don't worry, it's all good sick. It's good rock and roll cooties. All right, sorry. Here we go."

"So you guys got a hell of a gene pool here. My neck still hurts from walking around the campus today. No shit. And I don't mean that in like a Mötley Crüe way, I mean it in more like a Byron kinda way. Maybe in a Walt Whitman kinda way, except for I don't really wanna sleep with trees, ya know?"

"Right on! This song goes to Professor [???] and his homecoming class."

Ryan: "Are any of you people here familiar with a song called 'Touch, Feel, and Lose'? Right on! So because this is a rock and roll show, why should we act self-important, we should have fun, right? Fuck a bunch of damn Billy Corgan worshipping motherfuckers, let's just have fun. So...yeah, right on! Whatever you said. And not that I make any sense when I talk either. And actually you probably did, I just can't here because I'm also deaf. So we do a version of this song that is SO bad that I think it's funny. So if you let me play the really bad one first, we'll play the really good one second. Is that okay? So for this one, we've changed the, oh, is everybody having fun so far? Everybody cool, everybody all right? Are they letting you guys drink? No? Oh, that is so lame! I wondered how come there wasn't no beer backstage. That's okay, we'll just take quaaludes, they can't [???] us. Oh, so, anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, you're having fun, it's all right. There's places to go get beers after though, right? What time does the bar stop in Iowa?"

Audience Members: "Two!"

Ryan: "Right on. And what time is it now?"

Audience Members: "Nine-thirty!"

Ryan: "Right on. So where are we gonna go after this?"

Audience Member: "My house!"

Ryan: "Your house. Damn, you move kinda quick, don't ya? You haven't even bought me dinner yet. But you're damn cute so maybe. Okay, yeah. So where we going, what's a good bar?"

Audience Members: "Dave's!"

Ryan: "Dave's? All right, we'll go to Dave's afterward, right? I'll buy you a beer. So you wanna hear the really fucking horrible one? I've talked it up too much now. So you can sing along for the chorus, instead of 'cry, cry, cry', it's 'die, die, die'. And Brad hates it when we do this, don't you Brad? He fucking hates it, but will you do it for me?"

"We played one show, the whole show with a lisp, which 'Tina Toledo' was really funny."

"Thanks! What's that? He said something like about a [???]. I didn't take science. I don't know. Okay. All right, dude. Right on."

"This song goes out to all the victims of Grammy-nominated actresses."

"'I'd like to thank George Washington for starting this great country because without him, there wouldn't be country music. My publicist, that guy in the back, I can't understand what he's saying. I'd like to thank Dan Eisenberg for stretching his legs.' Oh, do you guys wanna meet my friends? These are all my best friends that are on tour with me, I would like to introduce them to you, if that's okay. This is Danny Eisenberg on the Hammond Organ, graduate from the University of Mars, likes to stretch his legs, often doesn't know where the tour bus is, but we love him. I think. My brother and best friend Billy Mercer on bass. He's single, he likes The Clash, he's a really good drummer, he's better at me at Playstation 2, does not shop at Wal-Mart but would if he had to. On drums, B-1, Brad Pemberton, my friend. Oh, and this is Brad Rice, on electric guitar, fucking all the way from Chocolate City! I think you're supposed to do a solo when I introduce you, you're supposed to go like 'doodly-doo!' Aren't you supposed to do one, is that what they do? And last but not least, also flu-ridden and somewhat cranky but a fucking hell of a guy and can play any instrument that doesn't have legs or fur, Mr. Bucky Baxter. All the way from 'Hooterville! Hooterville! Hooterville! There's a house down there, they got this weird webbing, and I go down there and collect it, and I store it up, and then you [???] it, and that's how I get my apple juice! Hooterville!'"

Bucky: "I'm trying a cocktail to see if this is any remedy for the flu. Got me a little vodka tonic here."

Ryan: "Oh, that's a flu remedy, vodka tonic, yeah, that'll take care of it, no problem."

Bucky: "I'm into masking the symptoms."

Ryan: "See, I could never get the flu because germs can't live in this kind of environment, man. If you do that enough, the flu won't come. It goes, 'Ooh, I'm not going in there!'"

Bucky: "Hey, Keith Richards never got sick."

Ryan: "Flu always sticks on healthy, jogging people, I think."

Bucky: "What song you gonna do?"

Ryan: "I think we're gonna do a Gram Parsons song. So you guys are really nice and laidback, thanks for coming to our show and everything, and we would try to act more like rock stars and stuff, but I just think that that's so dorky. I don't wanna act like Weezer either. I don't like Dungeons and Dragons, and I don't think pyrotechnics are funny, but I'm glad to be playing for you guys, and I hope you’re having a good time and everything, and we'll try to get ya some beer, but I don't know if it's gonna happen or not. Is that happening, are we getting them some booze? I could send somebody to the store, I got a little bit of money. We could all chip in and go get a twelve-pack. Is there like a store, hey, Brian, is there like a store down the street to get like six twelve-packs or something? Brian! BRIAN!!!"

Bucky: "He's acting like he can't hear ya."

Ryan: "Can we do that? What do you guys like, Rolling Rock? Or like Budweiser. Either? I know they both suck, but, I mean, does it matter? How many of you want one if I can get you one, so I'll know? So, like, five twelve-packs. If I give you the twelve-packs, will you share?"

Audience Members: "Yeah!"

Ryan: "All right. All right, so 'cause it's probably easiest, is there like a better beer than that here, is there like a Iowa Falls or something beer? Okay, all in favor of Budweiser, say yeah."

Audience Members: "Yeah!"

Ryan: "Okay, all in favor of Rolling Rock, say yeah."

Audience Members: "YEAH!"

Ryan: "Rolling Rock. If we give them like, this many beers, give them to the front people. We got like eight beers, and then we'll get, I'm gonna really go get you guys some beer, so just chill out. But, hey look, you guys, send some of those to somebody in the back too, don't be stingy 'cause you're gonna get more later. 'Cause I can get to you better."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the beer nazis! God forbid any of these people have a beer, who KNOWS what could happen? They might even make out! Oh well, I'm sorry, we tried. I guess, I mean, if we bring five twelve-packs and hand them to you, they can't get that many back, can they? That guy took their beer, that is so not cool! Fred Flintstone, his pick would be made out of concrete! Okay, this is for the beer nazis."

Ryan: "This is the part of the show where I just get to sing, and our fabulous friend and guitar tech and the guy that takes care of us, CHIEF, whose birthday was yesterday, is guitar. Are you still having fun, do you hate me, do you wanna fight?"

Audience Member: "I want some whiskey!"

Ryan: "I know, hon, I couldn’t even get ya a Heineken. I'd love to give you some whiskey, but I don't have any. That stuff's bad for you though, you shouldn't do that stuff. We're all straight-edge in this band. We were all formerly in a band called Youth of Today, and we're X. The guy in the Ramones shirt gets it, but he's leaving 'cause he's like, this is not loud enough at all. I'm sorry, Mr. Ramones, I'll try to punk it up next time. Or grow taller."

"Damn, I didn't know they spoke another language in Iowa. I thought I was in Norway this morning, that's pretty bad. I'm not kidding either. Billy, that's a really cool shirt you got on there today, Mr. Man, I think you look just about all right. Yeah, but you look cool as hell today, man. Eisenberg looks cool too, he had to stretch his legs a couple times, but you look like you just like got back from the Bahamas...but like got back from the Bahamas like with Keith. Right on. Okay, shhhh, why are you looking at me? Stop, stop staring at me. Stop staring at me. Where did I get these guys, man? These are the goofiest people I know."

Ryan: "Thanks a lot, you guys are really sweet! I'm sorry you couldn't get any beer, and thanks for having us play here, and study hard or whatever! I'll see you at Gary's!"

Audience Members: "Dave's!"

Ryan: "Greg's?"

Audience Members: "Dave's!"

Ryan: "Dave's! Oh yeah, the Wham! thing, right, okay, see ya at Dave's! Buy ya a drink, see ya there!"

Ryan: "There's a curfew that says we can't play after eleven, and I think we're gonna get fined, but we’'ll play one more, and hopefully that they won't fine us, they fine us like a thousand dollars or something, even our sound guy's about to get beaten up. Touch him, and I'll fucking kill you! Brian, I'm sorry, but they wanna hear another song! All right, they said one more. You wanna see 'La Cienega' or new one?"

Audience Members: "'La Cienega'!"

Ryan: "Okay, we'll play that song for you guys, thank you for being patient. While they're plugging, I'll show you, I got a new tattoo, look. I got, well, the X I already got, but look at this, the guys in Agnostic Front for my twenty-seventh birthday gave me this tattoo in New York. Agnostic Front, right on. Remember them? 'Why am I a victim in pain?' It's my birth year, 1974. Also, I wrote a song with Alanis Morissette called that, she is such a babe! There's Mr. Rice! So I've never played here before, and it was really good playing here, maybe we'll come back and play again, and, yeah, very cool! And to all the guys here, you spoiled rotten bastards. It must be like the air or something."

Audience Member: "Four to one!"

Ryan: "What's that? Four to one? Damn! I bet I could live here and STILL fuck up! I'm unstoppable. As my mom says, I could break a bowling bowl if it, she says, 'You could break a bowling ball if it were a relationship.' Oh, but it was really sweet though, my mom was just giving me shit, she's cool."

Billy: "I've been bowling with you before."

Ryan: "I know, I can’t bowl 'cause of my fucking broken hand..."

Billy: "Ryan didn't bowl, he ran up the whole lane and then he threw the ball at the fucking thing."

Ryan: "But I got a strike! I can bowl, I was bowling 140, 150 last time. That's not bad. But after like three beers, it just starts turning into like, 'Hey, Billy, watch this!' I believe almost every night it turns into, 'Hey, Billy, watch this!' I might have lived in New York City, but I am from North Carolina, so there's just some shit that just has to, the 'watch this' thing doesn't go away. Okay. Are you ready, Miami Eisenberg? Okay, 'La Cienega', right?"

"All right, see ya down there!"

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02-15-02: Le Trebendo - Paris, France

Ryan: "Hi. You guys look good. Everybody in France always looks good. Fucking good looking people. Making me look fat."

Audience Member: "You look good!"

Ryan: "That's right, I do. I look good as fuck, don't I? That’s right. That's because I am part French. I eat French fries everyday. Anyway, so, it's nice to be here, you should tell the guy that's building these buildings he should get a level. I'm not sure everything's flush. Flush, flush. Forget it. I never said a word."

Audience Member: "Is it [???]?"

Ryan: "Yeah."

Audience Member: "Can we have some?"

Ryan: "We already killed the whole thing."

Audience Member: "Ryan, may I ask you something?"

Ryan: "Yeah, go ahead!"

Audience Member: "If you sing 'Sweet Carolina', I'd love to sing it with you!"

Ryan: "I'm sure you would, honey."

Audience Member: "[???]...I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Ryan: "Really? I'm gonna look forward to that. Go to Germany and get some tools."

Audience Member: "I love you anyway!"

Ryan: "Then I apologize in advance."

Ryan: "Cheers! No worries. No worries."

*audience members yell out songs*

Ryan: "Chances are really good we're gonna be up here for a little while, so it's okay. It's all right, we're not going anywhere!"

Audience Member: "Come on, Ryan, [???]!"

Ryan: "I'm working on it, my voice is kinda blown, so I gotta smoke a cigarette really quick. It works backwards, everything in my life is ass backwards. How are you doing, do you feel good? Yeah? It sounds good in here...in Pee Wee's Playhouse, it's very cool. Mekka lekka hi, mekka Johnny ho! My brother has some fucking cool pants on, doesn't he? Can you guys see, you guys in the back row can't see this, but there's something going on down there."

Audience Member: "Go, Bucky Baxter!"

Ryan: "What?"

Audience Member: "Shania Twain!"

Ryan: "What about her? Go get me a box of crackers and point her to my bed."

Audience Member: "Where's your hairclip today?"

Ryan: "I don't know, I left it somewhere. I can't find it."

"Why are you so sad, what's wrong with you? You don't like me anymore, do you? Are you gonna break up with me? Why, why are you so sad? So sad."

"Can you leave it like this? It's really better for my skin. No, no, no, see, you just fucked with it. What's wrong with you? Don't play with me."

Audience Member: "What about the tie?"

Ryan: "What about the who? The dye? Oh, the tie? Oh, the tie is great. Thank you."

"Are you having fun, you okay? Hey, turn the lights on so we can see the people! 'Cause I gotta get a haircut, and I gotta find somebody that's got a good top! Where's the lights? Well, shit, this guy's got a pizza fucking break, where's the other guy? I guess he's gone too, he must have went his, his buddy went with him."

"Chief! Ladies and gentlemen, Chief! It's time to get squirrelly!"

"We're gonna try a new song, we’ve never played it for anybody before. It's the first time. It's always the first time. Are you having fun or what the fuck?! That's right, you better have some fun 'cause pretty soon, Staind is gonna come here and be like, 'Everything I ever wanted...'. You better get it while you can get it. Raw American meat! Right fucking now before fucking Staind gets up in here with that Limp Bizkit shit. All like, 'Look, I'm hip-hop! No, I'm metal! No, I'm hip-hop! No, I'm metal! Wait, I got metal in my face!' You better get it raw, baby! This American sushi rock right here! What the fuck? What the fuck am I talking about?!"

Ryan: "My brother looks awesome tonight, doesn't he? Oh, can I introduce my friends to you? Starting all the way over here is Mr. Chief, doing the guitars, helping us out, making us sound good, rock the guitar. He's funny, he's single, and he's sexy. Yes, French girls, you may have him. Over here on the monitor is Mr. Matthew, reading his book all the time, never talking to you. We love him too but only kinda. I'm so kidding. We love him to death. See, now it's gonna go, 'Weeeeee!' The monitor's gonna go, 'Oooh!', it's gonna make the Darth Vader noise. You fucking asshole, don't do that to me, you already did it to me. Yeah. Okay. Over here, after an excellent dining experience, is Mr. Danny Eisenberg. Also, Mr. Danny Eisenberg's shirt! He's taking it to the people in the back. Mr. Darth Vader. For some reason, they won't let us have Chewbacca on because of union problems. Although I'd like to break that rule right now and bring him out. The star of the show, ladies and gentleman, a hairy motherfucker, the Ron Jeremy of outer space. Oh, I love you so much! Everything kinda weird! Anyway, my best friend and brother Billy on bass. B-1 on the drums! Yeah, he's bad as fuck, isn't he? What I say? What'd I fucking say? He's bad as fuck! What? What? What I say?!"

Audience Member: "He's great!"

Ryan: "Yeah, he is...great. And all the way from Chocolate City, Sweet B. Last but not least, oh, this is gonna take awhile...all the way from Hooterville, Bucky Baxter! And if you need to, you can check out Bucky's Hooterville.com. That's right, isn't it? It's true. That is true, there is a Hooterville.com. Partylife.com."

Bucky: "Party Life Mecca."

Ryan: "It's the Mecca of Party Life. We come from the Mecca of Party Life in the States. And, uh, okay, Billy, you say something now."

Billy: "My wife left me. My car was repossessed. So now the time is Party Life. We had a really good time last night being abused by some Germans. So if everybody could just inspire us with a little bit of, you know, in your best, 'BOO! BOO!'"

Bucky: "Where's the watch? We run a little late."

Billy and Audience Members: "BOO! BOO!"

Bucky: "'What time is it?!'"

Ryan: "So we were like fifteen minutes late, and this guy goes, 'What time is it?!' Like if you come home late, and your dad is waiting up, you know? You've been out with a chick, making out, drinking some, like, you know, Bacardi, it's like 12:30, you were supposed to be home at 10:00, he's like, 'What time is it?!' He goes, 'Shut the fuck up and play rock and roll guitar, assholes!'"

Audience Member: "He's got a point!"

Ryan: "But not really."

Ryan: "This is so much fun! It's so real! No props, no pyrotechnics, no metal hanging from face. What is going on over there anyway? I'm from there, and I don't even fucking know. What is that shit? It's like oatmeal rock."

Audience Member: "You're stoned, aren't you?"

Ryan: "No, not yet."

Ryan: "Oh, yeah, I don't even know where he is. Where is he? That's Brian our sound guy, I forgot to introduce him, he is really nice. Wait, how did you get the flashlight? Oh. I'm just waiting for my guitar to get, all of my guitars are busted, so I'm just waiting for the one that's not busted yet."

Audience Member: "Tell us a joke!"

Ryan: "I made up one the other day, hang on."

Audience Member: "It's crap!"

Ryan: "'It's fucking crap!' Was that really bad when I made it the other day? I mean, worse than normal? It was about cows or something."

Ryan: "Hi! Can I just play one by myself, is that cool?"

Audience Member: "What time is it?!"

Ryan: "Yeah, man! Right, what time is it? I don't know."

Audience Member: "Why did you leave?"

Ryan: "Why did I leave? Well, I had to go that way."

Audience Member: "Play 'Winding Wheel' right now."

Ryan: "Yeah, you're good, man!"

Audience Member: "Are you the Jedi?"

Ryan: "The Ron Jeremy of outer space. That's just wrong, if my mom knew that I said that, that's wrong."

Ryan: "What a bunch of good lookin' guys we are! Billy, your pants look awesome!"

Audience Member: "'Come Pick Me Up'!"

Ryan: "Where do you wanna go?"

Audience Member: "Where are you going?"

Ryan: "I can't go, I got a date with Leona. I'm busy. That's pretty fucking cool that, isn't it? This is not an all-skate, this is a girls-only skate, it's not a reverse-skate. Boys, you can find the refreshment stand to the right with strange nachos with very weird cheese that we're not quite sure it is actually is cheese, but you can glue like pieces of, you know, bricks together with it. The guy that sells pots by the gumball machine out back."

Ryan: "Oh shit, man. That's very cool. That's Raul Malo music right there! Oh my God, the disco ball shirt! I was so high when I bought that shirt. I was higher than hell. I also bought that jacket that was like two sizes too big for me. You got high? Fucker? You can tell when Dan's high 'cause his hair gets really curly. I wanna keep playing. Are you still having a good time, is everybody okay with that? Now, where's the bar, and how are you getting drunk? You're not, they don't do that. Oh wait, we're in France, they already were drunk. See in America, they call it 'alcoholism', in France, they call it 'lunch'."

Audience Member: "Was that your joke, Ryan?"

Ryan: "No, that guy's English, he doesn't count. English, I bet he's from Essex too, he's got that Essex vibe."

Audience Member: "What time is it?"

Ryan: "What time is it? Why do you play tennis? Oh my God, it's motherfucking testifying time is what it is! So let's go!"

Ryan: "Just one more because the police are gonna to get very mad."

Audience Member: "Fuck the police!"

Ryan: "Yes, fuck the police. How 'bout you fuck the police, we run from them? It'll be like a good diversion. You know, when I was a bartender, a guy that I knew walked in, and he was the dumbest motherfucker you ever met. He walked in, he had a band-aid on his face, he'd been in jail for like a week in county, and he goes, 'Hey, man, look at this,' pulls the band-aid off, it said, 'Fuck Tha'...T-H-A...'Tha Police', on his face. I was like, oh, that's real smart, ya know? They'll never know what you're up to! I don't know, whatever."

Ryan: "All right, let's finish this bottle off, shall we? You guys have a good time? You had a real time, didn't ya? Wasn't no metal hanging from nobody's face, was there? Wasn't no sweaty fucking hip old guy, it was a good old time! You all had some raw American sushi rock, didn't ya? What time is it, I said, what time is it?! No, no, he goes, '[???] rock on! Shut up and play! Play the guitar!' Um, yeah, right. Anyway, oh, so after this, where do we go to party? Is there like a place where people like us go besides jail?"

Audience Member: "Stockholm!"

Ryan: "Yeah. I've been there, man! Are you Swedish? Oh, right on! Bless you. That's awesome. Okay, so I guess we're gonna play another song. Anyway, we had a good time, you had a good time, everybody's cool. Consensual adults, you know, conversing. It's all good. You have weed, I know you do. You don't? Look, she has it, totally. You totally have it. That was a killer smile though. Knocking my socks off. All right, here we go. Right!"

"All right, thank you a lot! Okay! Bye! You're okay, right? You're good? You're okay? Everybody good? Are you good? You're fine. Everybody's fine. Okay. We'll see you later, we gotta go because of the police. Bye now and whatever you do, just go out and do it, whatever it is."

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03-13-02: Riviera Theater - Chicago, Illinois

"Hey, what's up?"

"Is that John Milton in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"Hi! You all look very pretty tonight. Everybody's on a date. Everybody's on a date, and I'm just a nut. How are you feeling, are you okay, are you buzzed? Are you feeling okay? Look at those people! Hi!!!! Don't put gum under the seat, man, I saw you do it! What is wrong with you? That's my gum, man, give it back. Give it back. Give it back, you bastard. Now I got some bubblegum."

"I believe it's time to testify, what do you say? About the, what is it? The Moore Cemetery? What is that cemetery here? What's it called? Yeah right, where the dead people are. Yeah, that's good."

"Man, this place is [???] as fuck. They ripped out the chandelier though, I bet they got about, I don't know, maybe fifteen hundred bucks for that, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know how much you get for that, I don't know. Okay, anyway, hey, thank you for coming out to the rock show. Nice to see you people at the rock show, doing rock and roll stuff like listening to rock music, and/or drinking, and/or hanging out with chicks or whatever, and/or hanging out with guys or whatever and hanging out. My ear exploded, and my boot busted, but I'm okay. Oh, I got a new book. No, no, no, it's John Milton, it's pretty good stuff. Some of it, well, a lot of it's a load of crap, some of it's pretty good. Not that I could write better than that guy. Oh wait, here's my favorite one! You ready? It's called 'Where Goeth My Pick?'

Oh, Nightingale, where goeth my pick
When I'm playing a solo?
If I were intergalactic, I would not be Han Solo
I would be Yoda
Although slim, short, and of lower demean
He'd be mad with the ladies
His light saber be flashing its shit all over the place
Until May, and I'd be like, 'Damn!'
And somewhere in North Carolina
My Uncle Sam is fixing car engines in his front lawn
But the motherfucker could tie one on

No, that's not what it really says. The part about my uncle's not in there. I'll read it later."

"This next song is a song I wrote back in nineteen seventy four hundred and seventy eleventy, and it was a big hit for me back then. It was a different time, it was when robots ruled the earth. And you younger people don't remember when robots ruled the earth, it was a really bad time for everybody, and they ruled the earth, and we just hung out and wrote songs, and this is one that I was thinking about. It's not really about motor bearings parts machines or any other kind of thing you can think of like not about like metallurgic anything, helmets or parts or metallurgic anything, it's just, everything's kind of weird. It's about that."

"Mr. Bucky Baxter, ladies and gentlemen. My friend and a sharp dresser! Is that Eric right there, that is, isn't it? I don't think we have a curfew. If you guys don't mind, we'll play some more like this for a minute, if that's okay with you. Fuck, I don't know. We just got kinda re-high, could you turn the lights down a little bit? I'm gonna try this, I haven't done this in like a long time, so I don't know if it's gonna work. Just play along."

"Thanks a lot, I don't think I ever played that live before, that kinda sucks."

"I got the wrong guitar. Hey, are you having fun? Okay."

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10-20-02: Paramount Theater - Denver, Colorado

"Hey there. How you doin'? Thanks for coming out. I'm just gonna play some songs for you here, I managed to throw my back out today, so we'll see. That will be good, maybe I'll sound extra in pain. I don't know yet, I'll have to find out."

"I'm getting too old for this shit. Or not old enough. Maybe I'm not old enough yet, that's what it is."

"Thanks. Okay, okay. Now I think I'm gonna play this thing for a minute. Actually, that last song was about a friend of mine that was going back to Colorado to a place in Colorado, and she told me about stopping in some place called Selena, and I don't know where that is, but I heard about it. And she said that it was a lot like, she said when you get to Colorado as soon as you cross over from whatever state that is you're crossing over from...that was the bit of school that I missed....that it looks a lot like if you were driving on the moon, I always thought that was the prettiest thing I ever heard. Well, we'd have to find out the coordinates of exactly where my friend was coming from. But nonetheless, that's the story, I'm just gonna stop it there. Yeah. Actually, I know the town that my friend lived in was Gunnison, do you know that town? So I do know that. But I know that we're not there now. We are in Colorado, right? Just making sure! Because wouldn't this whole story be a shame had I been in Philly? I can see it now...'As expected, he does not know where the hell he is again.' We're not in Philly, right? I don't wanna be in Philly. I certainly couldn't find a cheesesteak today to save my life. That's okay though. So, yeah...they might all be pretty sad, apparently...these things...I don't know the Slayer song yet. This song consequently is not about Colorado...but it could be...I'm gonna shut up."

"I was horsing around during Tegan and Sara's soundcheck, and I think I blew out a gasket. They are quite incredible, aren't they, don't you think? Okay, so I don't normally talk too much during my gigs, as you've probably heard, I'm very quiet. As a mouse. Um...*tries to work his lighter*...damn...there's not enough oxygen up here to light my smokes. There it was. So as I understand is you people probably spend half the amount of money on going out for beers. No, I heard that that's true, I heard that because we're up here...we are up here, right? Up here in Philly. The altitude, or I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. That's not true, is it? That's a lie, right? That's true. But I don't imagine anyone would move here to go out to a bar, you'd probably go skiing or do all kinds of things, but I could save a lot of money if I moved here. You know, just say that now and get that out of the way. Oh, shit, how do you play this one? Yeah right."

"And there it is! Thank you very much. Very sweet."

"Thanks a lot, you guys are awesome! What a kick ass bunch of people you are! I honestly didn't think anybody was gonna come, I was like, I don't think they know anything. 'And look at this, I told Dolittle, that's my husband, I said, "I don't know." I said, "My life is just moving too fast. One minute, I was in [???], and the next minute here I was playing songs for y'all. It's just moving too fast."' Okay, sorry."

"I have to seriously reconsider my setlist 'cause it's never what anybody asks for. I'm a...it could, uh...yeah. I got a snake on my arm, be careful, I get mean. Oh, hi. I don't know if I can hit falsetto, but I'm gonna try. So if I start sounding like the Cranberries or something, just look away. Because if I fuck this up, I'm gonna fuck it up real good. Sorry, we're having some onstage banter, it's not meant to be heard. I didn't think they could hear me. You guys are a really great crowd, no shit, it's really nice, thank you."

"It's my friends Ruth and Sarah from London. Their turn-ons are 'Friends' reruns, me shutting up and going to bed and not raising a bunch of fucking hell on the bus, and apparently their turn-offs are processed cheese food. But I can't help it, I like processed cheese food. There's a lot of good cows out there that need jobs! I think the altitude has finally gotten to me. Yeah."

Audience Member: "R2-D2!"

Ryan: "Yeah, I did R2-D2 one night, and it didn't work out very good. I did a lot of things, didn't work out very good. I was trying to be funny. But the best one I heard was 'Ryan Derails Show Into Wall'. I was actually kinda proud of that one, I was like, yeah man! Because I sang along to my Madonna record. Yeah, but it was in Tennessee, so I don't think they really got it. No, really, I think the person that wrote the article drives a cab on the side and probably penned a couple songs for Faith Hill, you know. 'Just breathe!' No, no, no, listen, I need to clarify, I got no problem with Faith Hill...and no problem with the wall. Just don't make fun of my friend! 'Hello! Hello today!' R2 doesn't really talk like that, but I made a voice up for him. 'Hello, Ryan! Hello!' Oh my God, wait a minute, you know, at the expense of maybe driving the show into the wall, I got it on my favorite jazz station from another state, let's see if it does anything if we turn it on here. Is that okay with everybody? Can the journalist from here tell me if that's okay? Because my mom can't take another bad one. She goes, 'One more, and it's over. One more, and you get the sixth piece of turkey on Thanksgiving.' Oh, wait a minute, that already happened, didn't it? Wait, hang on. No. It actually sounds like it when he got fucked up with the Jawas. Busted! I don't have many friends. Ha ha ha! So this next song is called, um, it's a...it's about Chicago, Colorado. All my songs are about Denver, Colorado."

"Is everybody having a good time, everybody okay? Hello, all you people that think you’re hiding from me, I can see you! Hello up there! I can see you! Can you hear okay, everything fine? They're like, 'No, stop it, please, please!' This shirt keeps making me look fat."

"A fella asked me what I smoke, I smoke Gitanes. I'm all art fag, ya know? I get to say something French when someone asks, 'Oh, Gitanes?' I smoked Gauloises [?], but they hurt my feelings, they're too strong. *makes snoring noises* Oh, you know, I don't know what I'm doing up here anymore, what am I doing? Oh, it's okay, I just figured out what it is. Okay, so I wrote this song back in 1951 right when I got back from the war. It was a long war and cold war. I remember it well. This isn't working, this talking shit, it's not working."

"I think I'm being a little bit of a goofball tonight. Uh-oh. Time to get off the road and go back to my cave."

"This isn't really in the set, but I feel really compelled to play this song tonight, for some weird reason. It's a cover of a song by a teeny-weeny band from England that are gonna be really big one day, and I just recently went to see them at a coliseum, and all I can say is that, Ron Wood, you need a drink. Although I'm sure that he knows that. 'Cause it's funny when like Ron needs a drink or when he has one, and he plays all the wrong notes, you know? 'Cause then he goes, 'Oh, [???] I hit the wrong notes, this is great!' But when he’s sober, he plays a wrong note, and he goes, 'Ooh!', like he's getting kicked in the shins or something. Uh-oh, talking again...not gonna talk! Anyway, this one goes out to the fact that I hope Phoebe and Joey end up together. 'Cause it just doesn't make any sense, does it really? They've been flirting ever since the first or second season, and I just don’t get it. He's a whore, she's a masseuse, it's all good. I don't understand what he sees in Rachel, Rachel and Joey are equally whiny, and I understand, but I don't get it."

"That's good, that's very good. Wait a minute, I must know you from somewhere, that's not, you can't know that! Oh, you guys are so good, I wanna play something different! Can you guys hang on a second? I wanna try this."

"It was okay, I messed up some lyrics, but it's too fast. It's like Slayer."

"That's the altitude, it's not me! Anyway, this next song is featured on a compilation called Songs To Slash Your Wrists To: Part Six."

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10-29-02: Moore Theater - Seattle, Washington

"Thanks a lot, thank you very much. How 'bout those Tegan and Saras, huh? Their record is really amazing, you guys should check it out if you don't have it, it's really, really, really, really fucking good. Scary good like go back to your bedroom and learn how to play guitar good. Like move to Canada good."

"Thank you, now it's version 2. Yeah, version 2. Leah, whatever the fuck your name is, I hope this is Jack White enough for ya. Picking on me...I could be mowing lawns! I'd like to mow your lawn. Put a big question mark in the front of your lawn. It would say, 'Why did they let you be a journalist?' It would say what? Say huh? Wha? Right? Huh? In my a-s-i-s, stay in school 'cause it’s the best. This is the other version."

"I'm like literally about thirteen songs away from mowing lawns. No shit. This fucking shirt, and it buttons the wrong way, which I think might mean, they put it in the guys' section. I was also surprised that I have these funny stockings I have on underneath here. I don't know. I think I read it wrong. I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding, this shirt's okay. The stockings though...I'm not kidding about that."

Ryan: "So how are you people, are you good? Did you have a good day today in the fine city of Seattle? No, I had a shitty day. I'm having a bad fucking day. But I'm certainly glad to be here."

Audience Member: "Why are you having a bad day?"

Ryan: "Do you really wanna know that story? Okay. Okay, for one thing, so I was watching the Star Wars movie, Episode 2. It's not The Empire Strikes Back, it's called The Attack Of The Clones. And I have seen it five times, but I have never seen it when I wasn't 'busy', or whatever that means. So I watched it, and I didn't have any pot cookies left, and it wasn't very good. And I've been talking about it like it was really good, ya know? And I was like, what the fuck is this film? And I couldn't sleep anyway, so I started thinking about it, which is bad, 'cause at the time, I didn't currently have anything else to think about, apparently. And I started thinking about that, which pretty much adds up to loser! Need a day job. So then I started thinking about, why the fuck am I sitting in the hotel room, thinking about Star Wars? And that got weird. And then I'm still watching the film 'cause it's like three hours long. And there's that whole part where they're like rolling down the hill, Queen Amidella or Armadillo, whatever the fuck her name is and the young Darth Vader. And I'm like, they only got one episode to, like, make Han Solo? Come on! It doesn't make any, I just got really upset, I don't know why, I think I might just be very emotional. Fucking whatever. What am I talking about? This is true, I should just shut the fuck up. Yoda did kick ass, that's good for Yoda. Yeah, but, you know, the real bad part is they kinda whore R2-D2 out the whole film. No, I'm not kidding. If he had breasts, it would have been called R2-D2's Flash Experience or like Wild On R2! or R2 Gone Wild! Ha! It's all circuits, ya know? It's like microchip nipples, or something, it's just fucked up. They just fuck him around! And then there's an R4 in there. It's like, how could you do that to him, man? The guy...ugh...I think I gotta start taking walks. Anyway, all right. Fucking whatever. Before I got here, they were like, 'Don't read the paper.' I was like, great. That was like, I asked them, I said, 'What city am I supposed to read it in?' They're like, 'None of them.' It's like, right on. Go back to the TV. 'Luke!'"

"Ruth and Sarah. And this is my friend Chief here, he's gonna play along, he's been playing with me. So this next song, besides sucking, is called 'Dear Chicago'."

"Ruth and Sarah, my friends from London, please give them a big round of applause. They've been really great, and you guys are just great. Thank you so much."

"Thank you very much, you're a very nice audience. Have a good night! Very sweet! Goodbye! Okay, and you people up there, goodbye! Black Sabbath! Okay."

Ryan: "Oh, man, I'm gonna mess this up. That's okay though, or I'm gonna, well, should I try this? There's somebody really nice up front that's like, 'Don't worry, it's okay, just go real slow,' and it's like my mom is up front. 'It's okay, Ryan, it's okay. Did you brush your teeth before you played?' Do you know that my mom actually called me before I went on Leno and went, 'Did you brush your teeth?' I'm like, 'Mo-om! I'm twenty-fucking-seven!' I told her that I did, but I lied. I kinda brushed 'em, I had this weird mouthwash stuff. But, uh, yeah, it was Russian tap water but same stuff. It kills germs, come on! Hey man, people drink mouthwash sometimes."

Audience Member: "Use the force!"

Ryan: "Yeah, use the force! You're cool as fuck, whoever said that, I love you! Whoever said that, man, I love you! You're cool as hell! You win at everything. If you were on Wheel On Fortune, you would have just won a Winnebago. If you were a house, you would have a WINdow. This is going nowhere, hang on, do one more. If you were a pro athlete, or an X Games athlete, you'd be a WINd surfer. All right, I'm gonna stop it, that was bad, yeah. Yeah, all right, yeah. All right, I'm gonna revert to a cover song that I've been doing on the road that's a song that I learned by The Rolling Stones that I do different. It's kind of like a longer different version, but I like it. So I hope you like it. Oh, can I have that really cool blue light that you had earlier, Mr. Lighting Director Man that's nice? Who I think his name is Robert, but I'm not sure. It was over there, ah, there it is! Could you turn off The Cure Disintegration light because it's really hurting my feelings? And that record already hurt my feelings. That fucking record. Bastards. For like nine records, it was all about socks and cats and then that record. That was the best ad-lib I think."

"This next song is for Leah and Barbara and just leave me alone. I never did nothing bad to you, so stop doing shit to me. I'm not a bad person. I'm not Matchbox 20. I'm not AC/DC. I'm not Metallica. I'm just me, and I don't wanna mow lawns anymore, and I don't care if you don't like me, just shut the fuck up. If you don't like it, then just go do something else. Go to Rage Against The whatever it is. Whatever it is you wanna go to, do it, just do it. I'll buy you tickets to a Britney Spears concert if you just leave me alone. 'Cause I'm tired of coming here and getting your shit, so fucking put a plug in it, would ya? And I will actually take yellow paint and paint lines down my face next time if it will make you happy, if it will make you just shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Because if, you know, I just wanna say this really quick, if guys like, there's a lot of really good people out there, you know, if guys like John Hiatt or Emmylou Harris or, no hang on, or like Wilco, or like, if we start going away like, everybody's just left with a bunch of bullshit, and I'm not saying I'm that good as any of the other people, but shut up, man. Pick on people that are worth it, you know? Leave me alone. I never did nothing to you, you know? And people are smarter than that too, you know? Fucking have to get a job at some bullshit paper and write some bullshit stuff. And I bet if I had a beer with them, they'd probably go like, 'Wow! Like, I would never sleep with you, but, oh, I would never date you, I would definitely sleep with you, I would never date you, but I like you.' Because I would buy you that beer, and then you'd go, 'Oh look, he bought me a beer, that's really nice.' Everything, and then I would paint the yellow things down my face, and they'd go, 'Oh look, he's really nice. Ha ha ha!' Whatever. And I'd go, 'Check it out, like, I'm just a normal guy, and I got a bunch of problems just like you, just like everybody else. And this is really fucking scary to be on stage and sing these songs and stuff, so fuck you and leave me alone.'"

"Thank you very much, have a nice night! Be careful, be safe, be lovely, be anything! Just be something. Bye. And you people up there, I see you, goodbye, or, goodnight. Thank you. Everybody is really nice."

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10-30-02: Roseland Theater - Portland, Oregon

"Hi. This is the last night of our tour in the U.S., so thanks for coming. So I went out and bought this really, really fucked up looking suit. I didn't realize it until now, but I sort of feel a little bit like Will Smith from that really weird movie, whatever it was called, that went straight to video. Anyway, so now I totally feel like a complete dork for wearing this suit. Anyway, it was a really cool tour, and I wanna say thanks to Tegan and Sara for playing the tour with me. They're great."

"Thanks. Thanks a lot, thanks. Do you know, every time I come here, I feel like I'm in that film Grease. That's just me, right? Do you feel like you're in Grease? If I were in Grease, would I be the guy with the white car or the other guy? I think I wanna be a Pink Lady. Can I have some of The Cure Disintegration lighting? No, we worked it all out, this is gonna be great, watch this shit. Oh, I'm sorry if I'm cussing, but if you haven't heard that before, but you've probably seen the Osbournes, I'll try not to cuss. The whole tour, it's been like, KLOOH!, this one light, ya know, like, 'Take me back!' Take me back to Planet Marlboro."

"Thanks a lot, goodnight, you've been great! I'm joking. I'm still here. I had to pick a booger. I'm not kidding, I could tell, I could just feel it in there. That was really nice, whoever said, 'Write a song about it!' I think I'll write one right now! *begins playing piano*

One time, I left stage in Portland
To pick my nose
Which was what I was doing onstage anyway

No, wait, I have to be Tom Waits...*switches to a Tom Waits voice*

One time, I was in Portland
Picking my nose onstage
And I saved it 'cause I didn't have a dollar

Wait, and the Cookie Monster would go...*switches to a Cookie Monster voice*

One time onstage
I was picking boogers
Wanted chocolate chip cookie

That's sad. When you get applause for Cookie Monster, that's sad. Sad fucking bastard I am. Can I have the other freaky lighting now, please? I never get no lighting. I want, oh, yeah. Disco madness in Portland. Disco madness in P-Town, what’s up? Okay, back to sad bastard stuff."

"Thanks. Don’t do that. You're gonna make me nervous. I'm gonna go home. Later, I'm gonna go home, VERY home. Uh...yeah."

"How is this going, are you guys having fun? Everybody...okay? If at any moment you feel like you need to slit your wrist, an usher will come down. Don't leave a mess."

"Thanks. This is definitely the weirdest show I've ever played. I didn't know, what, you people are scarin' me. Like, I mean, I think in a good way. Should I do the Elvis version or should I do the slow version? Yeah, man. Aren't you tired of people that like Elvis ironically? Isn't that bad? He was only, like, sort of pilled out for, like, two years, and he had the whole comeback thing, you know, I thought that was good. Everyone's like, 'Oh yeah, Elvis is cool.' I'm like, 'Name a song by Elvis.' They're like, 'Well, you know, that one, about the jail.' They're, like, holding, like, a Guided By Voices record in their arm, you know? I'm like, 'You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man, you got a Guided By Voices record.' Yeah, it's okay, I'm only about an hour away from starting to mow lawns, trust me, it's okay. The tour is over, go back to my real job."

"Can I have the blue ones for this song? Shhhhh. Just the blue ones. Earlier, when I may or may not have been stoned, this looked like a Close Encounters thing. Turn that one off. Just the blue one. Now flash the red ones. 'I'm going home!' You may flash those during this tune, if you wish, Mr. Man...Mr. D! Don't do it when I'm looking though 'cause I might start trippin' out."

"Ruth and Sarah! My friends from London. This is my friend Chief over here. And then there's you, give yourself a round of applause. This is R2-D2 here, give him a round of applause. The whore of Episode II. Apparently, I went on about that last night for a little too long. It's true though, they whored him out in Episode II. Unbelievable. They even had an R-4. How dare they? Next thing ya know, on, like The Sopranos, he's gonna come out, and his head's gonna pop open, and they're gonna be like, 'Yeah, so anyway...' and they're gonna ash inside of him, it's gonna close. '...so when I was knocking this guy off...' Actually, I got the kind of suit on tonight, like, I'm gonna knock a guy off and go down and sing some songs about it. *begins playing guitar*

Child of the street
Child of clay

My favorite bit is when he goes…

What made them want to come and blow you away?

It's like, he obviously did something to piss them off, that's why, Bob. Take Bob's joint away now, he's high. I'm gonna pay for that one, I can feel it already. I'm gonna go to hell for that one, Songwriter Hell. Think I'm already in Songwriter Hell, actually! Oh, you want, should I do that song? There's kids here, I can't sing that song! Okay, this is...no, 'cause then they're gonna, this is, should I open...wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is like one of those Friends episodes where Ross opens his fucking mouth, and for, like, the rest of the whole series, this bullshit, I can see it now, this moment, it's like...I ain't afraid, I'll open it up. I even drank moonshine once, I'm CRAZY! I only had a sip 'cause I knew these two guys, they made this moonshine with apples in it, right? And, like, it was a whole new level of suck that I never thought I would experience. I mean, they weren't drunk, they were DRUNK. And the weird thing was is they were talking to each other, these two friends of mine, on this porch swing, and I kept waiting for it to come off of the things. And I was like, that thing's gonna go. And they were talking to each other in some weird language, some strange language twins teach each other. I was like, 'Gimme some of that to go.' Yup, end of tour, lost my mind. Lost my fucking mind. Yeah, so this next song definitely deserves some really tripped out psychedelic lighting, I think, what do you guys think? And maybe an unnecessary amount of reverb. Not that I don't already have that. I got a hollow head. God, what is with me tonight, man? Woo! Pardon me? You think I'm singing okay? Yeah? Okay, so, right. I do stand-up down the street at Mary's Place, Tuesdays between 12 and 2. There's a free lunch buffet and, apparently, other things. Not that I know anything about that. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Should we play the song? Okay, here it is. 1, 2, 3, 4! Oh, ooh, I’m gonna do the song about the thing I wasn’t gonna do! I can't do this, this is terrible! What key do I do it in? All right, I wrote this song when I lived in Nashville, and I can honestly tell you that I don't mean any harm-, well, forget it."

"Yeah, it's funny NOW but later! 'Do not go see Ryan Adams, he is a FREAK!' And now, briefly, just because it's one of those nights, I'm gonna give you everything I got! This would be Cookie Monster's version of 'Oh My Sweet Carolina', it's called 'Oh My Sweet Chocolate Cookie'."

Ryan: "So tonight is the big giveaway night. No, no, no, I'm not kidding, I get to go home for all of three days, and then I gotta go to fucking Berlin on my birthday on a plane. Oh, I don't wanna be on a plane. So I think for my birthday, on the plane, my friend is coming with me, my friend Jesse Malin, who's gonna open on the tour, and he just made a really good record, so for my birthday, I get a [???]. 'Cause the plane is bad enough, but then Berlin, jeez. Well, thank you. You're just trying to get something, aren't you? That was good though."

Audience Members: *sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Ryan*

Ryan: "That's fucking cool as shit. *begins playing guitar*

How old am I?
How old am I?
How old am I?

Yeah...going on 13, not 16, dude. I just got my first pube. And I like it! What's really wrong here is that we're all laughing, and then I'm singing songs like, 'Please kill me now...please...somebody...somebody'. Anyway...ah, fuck. Is that the right [???]? I need my glasses. I lost my fucking glasses! But I fixed them, and then now they're lost! Which says something about accessorizing. You can find this next song on the Wild Wild West soundtrack."

"Ruth and Sarah, huh? So I've been singing lots of songs from this record I did called Heartbreaker on this tour, and I think that...not very well. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, this next one is from that record."

"Ruth and Sarah, all the way from London! You guys are awesome! WOO! WOO! Now, can I have all the psychedelic lights at once? Man, you guys know all these weird songs, dude! Damn, Deej, you guys got it all, oh, tripped out! Woo!"

"Thank you very much, goodnight, WOO! I'm closing...I wanna close this tour with a cover of The Rolling Stones' 'Brown Sugar' and 'Come Pick Me Up', and THAT'S what we're doin'. And, wait a minute, wait a minute. Who asked for the song 'Folklore' earlier? No, I need to know, like, who's the mega freak out fan. I think that's you. Is it? Where are you? Do you want something really weird? 'Cause I have to go to Europe now, do you want, that's the chair that I played the whole tour on, do you want it? You do? You don't want it, you can just use it for firewood. I have to give everything away. You want R2?"

Ryan: "That's from the State Theater in Detroit, Michigan. They gave it to me, and I'll give it to you, because, I can't, they won't let me bring it on the plane. They barely let ME get on the plane, trust me. Okay, Madonna or one of my own things. So Madonna, clap. So, one of my own and then a new song?"

Audience Members: "'Come Pick Me Up'!"

Ryan: "I'm gonna play that next. What do I play now? Okay, I would play that song, but altogether, it sounds like a Butthole Surfers song."

"Thanks a lot, have an awesome night, you guys are kick ass! You people and you people and everybody! I said everybody here kicks some ass in P-Town! What's up, P-Town? Take care."

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11-23-02: Apollo Manchester - Manchester, England

"I have been sent here to bum you out."

"I don't have any tissues, fucker. I got a fucking cold, so what?"

"This next song is about this guy that goes to jail, but he shouldn't have gone to jail 'cause his friend did it, and his friend's an asshole. Even if his friend is slightly okay a guy, he's still a fucking dick...'cause this one guy should not have fucking gone to jail. Whatever. Go to jail anyway. And then he goes and has a beer 'cause his friend is in jail...with a fucking cold."

"Last time I did that, I didn't spill a drop."

"I don't know how you people tolerate me, I really don't. I can't even stand me."

"This next song is about the sinking of the Ella Fitzgerald."

"Day job, days away...day job. Just think, I could be making your burgers. That would be scarier than this, really. That would be bad. That would be scarier than being Eminem's roommate. I've been thinking lately that Eminem must have a roommate because all of his clothes are so big, I don't know. It's like he has an older brother we don't know about. He has an older brother named Hershey. This is going nowhere, isn't it? I'll be down at the Comedy Hut, 12 to 2 tomorrow, free lunch buffet. Naked chickens running around. I'll make ya a burger in between sets. Oh, what am I doing? I've learned one thing from this tour, that I should really stop. I should really just go home."

Audience Member: "Where's R2-D2 at?"

Ryan: "I don't know where R2-D2 is tonight, I'm not really sure, he's out on the piss. I think I already told you guys this, but I got this really good idea about the third Star Wars episode. About who should be cast in it. I was thinking...*coughs*...that was a good one! I was thinking that it should be cast like this. So you get Quentin Tarantino to like do the whole thing 'cause the guy that's doing it is just fucking it up. No, it's true, mainly because they whored out fucking Boba Fett's dad in the last one, which was wrong. And then, so I was thinking that we should get Joe Pesci to play Han Solo. That would be kick fucking ass. Imagine, 'What do you fucking mean there's a problem with the Falcon? What the fuck?' Pulls out a knife, ya know? And then more importantly, you would get Marianne Faithfull to play Princess Leia. She'd be like, 'God I think we got the force, but fuck it.' She would be so fucking sexy as fucking Princess Leia. Unbelievable. Fuck Carrie Fisher, man, give me some Marianne Faithfull. And then, you know, you'd have to get Tony Soprano to play Jabba the Hut, after extensive, you know, working out. And then he would like commander R2-D2 as his personal ashtray. It would come over, and his head would come off, and he'd be like, 'Anyway, boys...let's get Han Solo.' Like, 'I don't know, he's got a switchblade.' 'Fuck him! Fuck him, that rat bastard, that intergalactic rat bastard! Fuck him!' And then Marianne's like, 'Can you fucking keep it down, I'm trying to have a fucking [???]?' It would be brilliant, it would be great, it would be awesome. But I don't think they're gonna do that. I sent off a simple inquiry, and I didn't get a response. I'm still waiting to hear back from the Lucas Film people, it could be my big breakthrough."

Audience Member: "Stick with the burgers!"

Ryan: "Yeah, thanks. Guy goes, 'Stick with the burgers!' You're absolutely fucking right. I'll go make one now! Where's R2 when you need him? I'm ashin' all over the place. Anyway, so this goes out to the family of Boba Fett, and I want you to know that you are not an intergalactic whore, you are really fucking cool, and I firmly believe in you, and every time I get so fucking high I can barely see, I look at that suit, and I think, 'Who made that?'. Even if Yoda thinks he's a wanker."

"One person asked me if I would play this Kajagoogoo song, I'm gonna do that. And the other one is that trilogy from that Toto record that only I have. Ya know, it goes...*starts playing*...what is that part? It goes, 'We suck...', yeah, it's something like that kinda. So, it is so fucking good to be back in Manchester. For real. Oh, I had the worst time in Gothenburg. And many other places non-English speaking. And the places English-speaking, as a matter of fact, it's just been a long slew of bad fucking places. But not today! Not fucking today! Woo! I even put some gel in my hair. I'm not kidding, I can make it do all kinds of things. Earlier, I figured out how to make myself look even more Satanic than normal. This is kind of like the Barbara Mandrell part of the gig where it's the changing costumes 'cause since this is all I own, I'll just kind of fuck with my hair. Although she could play every instrument, and I just pretend to. I'm not done, this is the most important part. Actually, I could be in Kajagoogoo at this point, couldn't I?"

"This next song is called 'Oh Fuck Me Part 17.6'. There's gonna be so many mean records about me one day, you have no fucking idea. It's so one-sided. The rat bastard I am. I should write a song called 'I Wouldn’t Date Me For All The Money In The World, But I Would Definitely Fuck Me At Least Once'."

"So I've been playing a lot of songs from this record I did a long time ago on a planet far, far away called Heartbreaker 'cause I sobered up and realized it was my only good record. For like a day, ya know. So anyway, this was the big hit from that record...back in 1961. See, a lot of you are too young to remember. Us older people here, we remember that song. It was a whole different era. We had this whole war or something, with helicopters, and people were like smoking pot and having sex and stuff, it was a totally different world. That's why the five of them clapped. Also, 'cause they're the only five or six people that are nearly as fucked up as I am that even believe half of this shit is any good."


Ryan: "Okay."

*more silence*

Audience Member: "'World War 24'!"

Ryan: "Yeah, you'd like that one. I wanted to see how long it would stay like that. That was pretty long. Okay, so, do you know what happened? He’s like, 'I don’t care, Ryan, shut the fuck up and play.' And I'm like, 'Yeah right.'"

Audience Member: "Get on with it!"

Ryan: "'Get on with it!'"

Audience Member: "What time is it?"

Ryan: "'What time is it?' Oh, speaking of 'what time is it?', so, we went to Germany, right? Again. No, but this time I wasn't armed with a loud band, so I, oh, and get this, so, my booking agent is really funny, he thinks he's funny, he's like, 'Oh, you're gonna love the gig,' 'cause I called him, I think I actually had a couple of drinks, it was like, I have to do a ring tone...'Hello?' 'Hey, man, it's Ryan,' and then [???] like, 'Oh, fuck.' He's English, actually, he goes, 'Oh, bollocks.' And I was like, 'Hey, book us in places where people don't normally play.' He's like, 'Okay, man, fuck yeah!' He doesn't like me very much, which I can understand. Really."

Audience Member: "Get on with it!"

Ryan: "Yeah, okay. We'll get to you, man. So the first gig he booked us in was a church with Jesus in the church. He was actually, there was the wooden Jesus. And people sat in pews, ya know? And I thought it was a gag, ya know, 'cause there's plenty of churches that they go in, and they ask God to leave, and then they can smoke pot in them and all that stuff. Ya know, there's venues that were churches, and they send the guys in, and they go, 'Okay, God people, don't be in here anymore, GO! And they leave. I guess. I don't know, I've never had that job, I'm sure I will soon. Never ever fucking have that job, actually. Anyway, so there was Jesus the whole time, and I'm fucking going, 'So fuck all this shit...' I was already going to hell, I don't need the express train, ya know? I don't need you to hold my hand and go into fire and brimstone, you heathen! And the next one was in Germany, which was already gonna be, and it was in a circus..."

Audience Member: "SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!"

Ryan: "We'll get to you. No, no, no, this is really important. It was in a circus that had elephants. Whatever, I'll tell it to somebody else! So the third place was a fucking dinner hall, people were eating steak, which was kinda weird 'cause I wanted one, I was hungry, but I had to play. And then the fourth one was in, what was it? Oh my God, that's the one I wanted to tell you about! I'm the Tom Hanks of suck rock. Yellow lines down my face. So the fourth one was in Ireland, it was in City Hall, right? And I thought it was a joke, I thought, 'Oh, that's a cute name for a venue, City Hall.' Ya know, everyone's all dressed up as like judges and jurors and like, 'Come in!' I thought it would be like a gag. I went looking for the gig, and I went, 'There’s fucking City Hall! I'm not going in there...', 'cause you know at any point I could get arrested for at least half the shit that was in my pockets, ya know? Ya know what I mean? Every time I've been to City Hall it was because of that! So I walk in, and I'm trying to find backstage 'cause I figured I should probably get my guitars, ya know, 'cause I normally spend more time playing it than running my mouth. 'Get on with it!' I got him before he got me! ZING! And so I walked in, and this guy was, it was in Ireland, and this guy was trying to settle a court ticket, and it was in Cork, Ireland, and I walk in, and it said 'dressing rooms this way', and I thought, 'Oh, cool!' So I walk in, and there's a judge with a pint and other people, and he was going, I don't know how you do the accent, it was something that you couldn't understand like, 'I didn't mean to park there!' And I went, 'Do you guys know where the dressing room was?' And the guy goes, 'What?!' So basically, so that was, I got to finish my cigarette, thanks!"

"I'm sorry I talk so much, I'll stop talking. That guy's got a loud fucking voice, man. 'Get on with it!' I liked you immediately, you're like my best friend."

"That is so fucking bad as fuck! Oh my God, it makes a noise when you hit something! Listen!"

"Is that reggae timing? This is 'Where The Stars Go Blue', mon!"

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11-28-02: Olympia Theatre - Dublin, Ireland

Audience Member: "What's with the hat, Ryan? You look like Tom Waits!"

Ryan: "That's funny 'cause I feel like Tom Waits. Oh, I should clarify. I feel like how Tom Waits must have felt many a night. Because of the night before. Because of the night before that. Apparently, he doesn't feel like that anymore, bless his heart."

Audience Member: "You don't need the hat, Ryan!"

Ryan: "I thought you were gonna say, 'Blue is definitely not your color.' I don't whether I should play harmonica on this one or not. So if it comes in at some point, and it's bad, it's sort of well on purpose. Are you gonna sing those harmony parts you were doing backstage, you chicken? Come on, you chicken, come out here. You can wear the hat! It sounded great!"

Audience Member: "We love you!"

Audience Member: "No we don't!"

Audience Member: "Yes we do!"

Audience Member: "No we don't!"

Ryan: "Either way, love me or not, I apologize in advance. Especially if you do love me 'cause I'm just gonna fuck it up. I wrote a record about that. I can't remember what it's called though."

Audience Member: "'Summer of 69'!"

Ryan: "I don't care anymore. So this next song is my new favorite song that I wrote 'cause I got to sing the word 'roaches' in it. That's a good word, roaches. In New York, we have these pretty big roaches. They're pretty fucking big. As a matter of fact, I think some of them have their own zip codes, they're pretty big. Don't know whether you've got them over here. If you don't have them, don't get them. Don't import any roaches. They're not cool."

Audience Member: "They're called 'politicians'!"

Ryan: "Well, trust me, we got some pretty big roaches over there too, running the States, you have no idea. I was just thinking that if they could take all of these guys in politics just out for a fucking drink, they would all [???]. Someone should be getting them high, they’d be like, 'Whatever.' They wouldn't give a fuck. Whatever. Just because we're on the top of the roaches, I think, you know. Anyway...it's nice to get to play Dublin twice, although this town beats me up pretty hard. I can't wrestle it to the ground yet, I'm not big enough."

Ryan: "Hi. Sorry if I'm bumming you out. Actually, I'm not sorry. That last song is so fucking depressing. What the fuck's wrong with me?"

Audience Member: "You're not Thom Yorke!"

Ryan: "Yeah. What about Thom Yorke?"

Audience Member: "What about him?"

Ryan: "I thought somebody said...oh, those the voices in my head, I'm sorry."

Ryan: "Fuck the setlist, I'm playing new stuff. All right, this song is about, uh, corny as hell, I mean, it may even be nice. God for-fucking-bid a nice song."

Audience: *more hat comments*

Ryan: "'Blue is definitely not your color.' What film is that from? Steel Magnolias, that where that fucking...'Don’t talk about him if he's not here!' 'My colors are blush and bashful.' 'Her colors are pink and pink!' 'We went skinny-dipping, and we did things that frightened the fish.' 'Time for cocktails!' 'I don't wanna have to shoot you, Ouiser.' Oh my God, I'm remembering so many lines from this fucking chick flick!"

Ryan: "You folks don't mind some new songs, do you? Well, I'm definitely gonna fuck this up."

Audience: *more hat comments*

Ryan: "I'm not gonna say shit 'cause somebody else is."

Audience Member: "Off with his head!"

Audience Member: "Off with YOUR head!"

Ryan: "Wow, you guys are like fighting amongst yourselves! That's so great! Ireland rules! In the States, nobody can be fucked to do anything. They're just sitting there, they get at a concert, and they're like, 'Oh, fucking when's it over?' They're always trying to get out before 11 because 'Friends' reruns are at 11. They gotta figure out what Monica and Phoebe are up to. All that fucking nonsense. Although I recently got busted watching 'Friends' on DVD. Every man's got his breaking point. I'm afraid I don't know if I'm gonna remember all the lyrics to this song 'cause I wrote it yesterday, if you can believe that. But I'm gonna try it without any lyrics, so if I stumble through it, you guys will help me out. Just when you laugh, make sure you don't make fun of anything but my hat."

Audience Member: "Bob Dylan's not dead!"

Ryan: "No, he's not. Um...yeah. Were you just reaffirming that for me that Dylan's not dead? Actually, I'll share something with you, it's very odd. I went to this dinner, that guy Elton John that I know, he invited me to this dinner. He goes, 'Bob Dylan is coming to dinner.' And I'm sitting there with my girlfriend, and I'm like, 'No, he’s fucking not.' 'Cause I don't really see this man Elton John as a famous person, I see him as my really freaky friend that has very strange suits who calls me when I'm fucking up. He's like, 'You’re fucking up, kid!' It's really funny actually. So he's like, 'Bob's coming to dinner.' I'm like, 'No he's not, don't fuck with me.' Sure enough, Bob Dylan comes to dinner. I'm sitting there, I'm like, Okay, do I shit my pants now or later? And I'm talking to him, and he asks me the weirdest fucking question in the whole world. The whole conversation, I don't really remember, we were talking about T-Bone Walker and this blues record that we both had that I thought that he was probably into this guy [???], I don't know if you know him, he's a great blues guy, and he goes, 'So what the fuck is a winding wheel?' And I went like, wait a minute...I got a hundred of those for you, man! But I didn't say that, I just very humbly went, no, I'm not kidding, 'cause he's standing there, and he looks like, he's amazing, he looked like a Spanish conquistador, you know, like he was about to slay the bull! In this rad suit, and he had like this six-foot-five girlfriend, and he had long nails, it was just too much, I just went, 'I dunno!' I had like a hundred responses later, I was like, should I go back? But, um, yeah. That fucking guy, Jesus. Oh, and he scratched me, which I thought was kinda cool. They're really long! I don't think he uses guitar picks, I'm quite sure. They're long and thick, he could really scratch your eyes out."

Ryan: "So this is weird, I'll try a new song out, right? We don't have the lyrics lying around anywhere, do we? It's a song about, the, the, the woman and then she, dead kids. Anyway, I think I can get through it. Well, let's just try it. Is that cool, everybody cool with that? Thank you 'cause I want to find out if it's bollocks."

Audience Member: "When did you write it?"

Ryan: "I wrote it last night in the dressing room."

Audience Member: "What's it called?"

Ryan: "It's called 'Thank You Louise', I think, although everyone else wants me to call it something different. That sounds like a good title to me, you know, whatever. I tell you what, we'll finish it, and we'll try to think of a name for it. Okay, all right, Mr. Adams, you fucking drunk."

Ryan: "That was scary as hell. I wrote another one yesterday, you wanna hear that one? I'm not done with this one though, this one's like half done, but I think it's really pretty. This is a lot of fun, thanks. I never get to try stuff out. Yeah, I have to hit a really high note in this, so I'm gonna really fuck this up pretty bad. When I recorded that song 'Stars Go Blue', the only way I could hit the note was I had three cups of Yorkshire tea. Yeah. Whatever. So this next song is about, I don't know what the fuck it's called, oh, I do know what it's called, it's called 'I See Monsters'."

Audience Member: "I see dead people!"

Ryan: "Basically the same thing, yes, I see dead people. It's sort of about, I always tend to...anyway, it's about when your girlfriend is sleeping at night, and you can't sleep, and you wanna go there..."

Audience Member: "Yeah, baby!!!"

Ryan: "Not what you're thinking, dirty fucking [???]. Although, wait, that might be very Freudian, I should think about this for a minute."

Audience Member: "Come on, my son!"

Ryan: "Maybe it is about that! I've just written the fucker, I don't know what the fuck it's about. I'm definitely gonna fuck this one up, but it will be nice to go through half of it."

"What do you think, are they any good? I don't think they're sad enough yet, I gotta fuck with the characters in the songs some more. All the dudes in my songs always end up beaten up or dead or missing teeth and got roaches or something. Anyway, this song was a big hit for me back in 1971, Aerosmith covered it on Aerosmith Rocks. They just slightly changed a couple of the words. I get debris from last night in my pocket...'de-briss'. God knows what happened last night."

Ryan: "Are you guys having fun? 'I said, are you having fun, Dublin?' I always wanted to do that. I just need the scarf on the microphone, that would complete the whole thing. So, yeah, once again, you’re all rat bastards 'cause all the girls here are fucking so pretty, all you guys are spoiled rotten, fucking jerks."

Audience Member: "Tough break, pal."

Ryan: "'Tough break, pal,' that was good. Tough brake pads! The brake pads. The burning ember. Balloons. The drunken clown. The needle."

Audience Member: "Happy Thanksgiving, Ryan!"

Ryan: "Oh yeah, Happy Turkey Day! I don't really, I don't really do that Thanksgiving thing, it's kind of like Happy Suppress A Lot Of Native Americans Day. They should change it to Leonard Peltier-fucking-Day and the A-I-M. Fuck the FBI, fuck them. It's all right, man, karma will get 'em."

"Oh, fuck it, let's just keep playing."

"'I wanna rock with you! I've been waiting for this moment ever since I was a little-bitty boy. It's like fate or something. Now dance!' *beat box* 'I just want to love you, baby!'"

Audience Member: "'Come Pick Me Up', please!"

Ryan: "I'm gonna play that song, 'Come Pick Me Up'. I'm gonna play it last. I like to play it last. It sort of bookends the whole thing."

"How are you folks up there? Damn, that's mighty high up there. Don't throw anything, I'm fragile."

"Thanks a lot, you've been really great, you've been really swell, and you're all very lovely people, and I love you to death! Goodnight!!!!!"

"Anyway, thank you guys for coming out tonight. Thanks to all the people that work here, you guys are great. Thanks for that, two nights, unbelievable. This is amazing. It's good that places like this are still around, you can come in and tumble around and make an ass out of yourself."

"Right now, if you'll indulge me, I wanna have my friend come out and sing one of his songs. He's like my brother, this guy, I love him to death. So this is one of my favorite songs on this record that he made, it's really good, and the guy who produced it is really fucking good. I used to go and see Jesse's old band, and I used to wanna be in that band really bad. So I started fucking my hair up and wearing like all this crazy eyeliner and shit. But it was really bad because when I did it, I looked like one of the tragic female characters on 'Dynasty' as opposed to [???]. Some things never change."

"When I was a kid, I don't remember having a lot of debris in my bellybutton. But, as a man, is it normal? It is? Okay, good. I just thought maybe I had an overactive one or something. 'Bring me lint!' The burning lint, the bellybutton, the clown, empty stairwell, oh, shit, I'm getting a buzz."

Audience Member: "You're drunk!"

Ryan: "No, I'm not drunk. But I'll take care of that later. First, I gotta get high. I didn't say that. My mom didn't hear that. 'Ryan, why are you smoking the pot again? You cannot smoke the pot when you come home for Christmas this year because last year you had trouble with the screen door.' 'That's all right, Mom, I'm not gonna smoke any pot in the house, I promise.' 'What's that smell upstairs? You know, it's not your room anymore, it's the work room. That's where I go on the Internet. You didn't really say those things about me live, did you?' 'No, Mom, get off the Internet. It's not real. It's all a lie.' 'I don't know if I believe it. Are you remembering to eat?' If you think I'm bad, you should really meet my mother. She's amazing. She was actually gonna come to this show that I played in Nashville at the Ryman, and I'm really fucking glad she didn't. I was like, 'I don't think it's gonna be the right time.' 'Are you sure? Cause we're gonna be in Nashville, it's only four hours.' 'Mom, just drive home. Don't stop at any bars. And if you do, stay there.' Oh, man, I miss my mom. This song goes out to my mom."

"Have a good Thanksgiving. I love you guys. Be good, be safe!"

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01-25-03: Reliant Stadium - Houston, Texas

"Don't worry, it's not The Stones, it's just me."

"Anyway, we've never been to Barcelona before, this is really awesome."

"Thank you very much, that's very nice of you! This place is big as shit! That's like a fucking aircraft carrier. Poor old Astrodome. Dome, dome, dome, dome. Anyway, we're Metaphysical Larry and The Cosmonauts. We're from Prague."

"Good god, it's time to testify! Are you guys ready for The Rolling Stones yet? You only gots to wait for two more songs, and then The Rolling fucking Stones will be right here. They are so fucking good. I don't have to tell you that. I thought I would tell you people so you can tell your friends I think that they're really good. Anyway, this is our second to last show with The Rolling Stones, and we’re Hygienically Challenged and the Ryan Adams Cosmonauts."

"Anyway, thanks for listening to us, we love you, and The Rolling Stones are next, we're gonna play one more song. Yeah! Wow, this place is really loud. I feel all tiny like the hobbit from The Lord of the Rings up here. Oh, shit, look, we're on camera over there, look at that. Damn, I look good! Woo! Anyway, this next song is a cover song by my favorite, second favorite band besides Black Flag, it's by The Grateful Dead. But we need some pot, does anybody have any pot, they could throw a joint up here really quick?"

"Thank you, goodnight, Rolling Stones next, bye!"

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12-11-03: Michigan Theater - Ann Arbor, Michigan

"Sorry, I still have the flu. I got the flu yesterday, and, no, this one's the cool flu. It makes you feel like you're trippin' for free. I can't seem to smoke though, so I'll just try to get it around me. You know, I'm from North Carolina, I need that stuff."

"Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf? Shut up darling, shut up darling! This place is a pigsty, we have company coming over! Your son, your little [???]. Don't speak of that! Wire hangers. Wire hangers! Get on your knees and clean! Get on your knees, child, and clean, clean! Oh...wait, what is the key of the song I'm gonna make up that you guys don't know to stump the band?"

"Johnny McNabb, guitar solo, NOW! No, put the spot on him, he's playing the solo! What are you, high?"

"Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character."

"This song goes out to Michael Jackson and his ex-wife."

"Are you having a nice time? Everyone is so nice here, I really like that. I walked around all today and talked to some of you people, and you're very nice. I wore my new slacks tonight."

Ryan: "Hey, man, Brad, when football gets off TV, why don't you go to the store and pick up a six-pack and come over, and let's talk about emotions."

Brad: "[???], man."

Ryan: "Man, when I get off work down at the machine shop, I'm a fucking go home, pick up Maxim magazine, get a six-pack, and go home and watch some 'Sex And The City' on DVDs, man."

Brad: "Ah, man, that sounds good! Yeah."

Ryan: "Fuck yeah. Hey, man, when you go to the store, could you pick me up a pack of Marlboro Reds, some duct tape, a flashlight and a wrench, and some chopped basil and tomato paste? I'm making a casserole for my football team that I got with the guys down at the machine shop."

Brad: "We'll need some fondue too."

Ryan: "Man, you see these guys up here playing music? They look like they're in the Osbournes. What the fuck is that shit?"

Brad: "Yeah..."

Ryan: "Hey, man, Brad..."

Brad: "Yeah..."

Ryan: "Man, I busted my leg up when I was playing touch football out back with Jimmy and Richard and Bob. We were all wasted as fuck on Jack Daniels in the backyard. Could you do me a favor, man?"

Brad: "What's that?"

Ryan: "Could you go to the store and pick me up some candles for my bath?"

Brad: "Yeah."

Ryan: "Could you pick me up some bath salts?"

Brad: "Not a problem."

Ryan: "Man, this is fucked up. Hey, man, hey, Brad?"

Brad: "Yeah."

Ryan: "Hey, man, when 'Baywatch' is off, you wanna come over here and like talk about like poetry?"

Brad: "Existentialism?"

Ryan: "Yeah, man, something fucked up like that."

Brad: "Yeah, that is good."

Ryan: "Man, I need to clean the carburetor in my bong, man. But I can't because I've been really depressed ever since I just finished that new book by Paul Auster, man. I, you know, I was watching the Redskins game, man, and I got really depressed 'cause I was thinking about like how the characters were like symbiotic and shit, man."

Brad: "I got really depressed because I taped the Redskins over Robert Bly 'A Gathering Of Men'."

Ryan: "Man, last time you did that, it was for that movie 'Winged Migration.' But you taped over 'Debbie Does Dallas', and I was pissed, man."

Brad: "Man, that was wrong."

Ryan: "Hey, man, don't tell the guys down at the shop that I'm sensitive, dude."

Brad: "The same with me, man."

Ryan: "Man, do you ever think about how weird it is that our friends are still wearing Members Only jackets? But all them gays, they all look damn good, man."

Brad: "I know! I know. What is that?"

Ryan: "Man, last night, I went to the damn titty bar and got a lap dance, and I totally missed 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy'. Fuck."

Brad: "Ain't that a bitch?"

Ryan: "Man, I gotta get off the phone and call my mom and after that, I'm gonna go beat off. 'Cause I gotta go out tonight."

Brad: "Where are we going?"

Ryan: "Man, we're gonna go to that bar, what's it called?"

Brad: "Hooters?"

Ryan: "No, damn Basketball Emporium. That bar kicks ass. But I went in there the other night, and I had about fourteen Jagermeisters, and I wanted to talk to this chick about [???], and she just said, 'What?' And I was like, damn, man, do I have to go to the library again? To pick up a girl? Man, they got books on football in there, man."

Brad: "I know."

Ryan: "I'm gonna have a bong hit."

"I think my fever is breaking. No, it's like it broke yesterday on stage two, but I feel like it's free trippin'. I'm really thirsty. But I don't know, I should just have some water. Yeah, I'm talking about that I have the flu, which is okay 'cause it's not your fault, and I'm still gonna rock for you, but, you know, no wait, but the funny thing is, this is what I like, I'm really thirsty, which I am, I'm really dehydrated, which is why I look so marvelous...that's a joke. Actually, I have razor burn enough for every man in this audience. No, but, so I'm like, I'm kinda thirsty, like I don't feel very good, and he's like, 'Jagermeister!' You know, doctor's orders. 'I really want you to take two aspirin, get on antibiotics, and just drink tons of Jagermeister, you’re gonna feel so much better!' That was supposed to be funny, but whatever, I think I wore out the funny thing, didn't I? There's two flies on a toilet seat, one of 'em gets pissed off."

"Without you, I would just be a guy that was weird with bad hair. With you, I'm just a cocky guy with bad hair."

"We better fucking play these songs very fast."

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12-14-03: First Avenue - Minneapolis, Minnesota

"This song goes out to the old man that wants to kick my teeth in. You want to? Come on! Come on, old man. Come on, old man."

"The Stills, ladies and gentlemen. A very, very nice band. They're a great band, The Stills, we love them. They're great to be with, great songs. They're so good looking that really retarded Minneapolis journalists confuse them for The Strokes. That's like the new get out of jail free card for idiot journalists. 'Well, they're good looking, the songs are good, oh just say they look like The Strokes.' They're like The Strokes, they're like The Strokes. Do your fucking homework. I love it. There's like, 'They're nothing like them though. The song's really good, but I don't really like it. The song's really good, they're all very good looking, so they're kinda like The Strokes.' It's like, they're from Canada, they can't even throw a grenade far enough to hit a Stroke! No diss to you guys, but not that you guys even got grenades though. You guys just got really mean Post-It notes. 'Don't fuck with us anymore! Love, Canada.' No, it's true! Which is probably because your country doesn't fuck with people. Although doing that would be a lot like The Strokes though, wouldn't it? Fucking with people. But only if you looked good when you were doing it. And if you did it staccato, like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, fuck you! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, fuck you! Well, it's true. But Hall and Oates did that, and I don't think they even got laid though or anything. They just got money, which is sometimes better than laid. Which can equal having no money or...I don't know. Coincidentally, this next song doesn't sound like The Strokes. It sounds like Paul because, you know, I'm young, and I like to drink, and I like to sing loud. So if anyone has his cell phone number, tell him to come down and kick my teeth down my throat. Old man."

"This is a great club, and like we love this club, but if you play, the amplifiers want to make everything feedback, and so we can't tell what we're doing onstage. So instead of getting into like a really bad mood, I'm just gonna make the set like this. No, because I'm not gonna sell you out because there's a problem, it's not even First Avenue's problem, it's like a technical thing, like all of our amps, they just go 'ERRRRRRRR!' Even when we want them to do that, I have all of these pedals to try to make them do that, but they wanna do that anyway, and I don't wanna them to do that. I don't know if you want the rest of your show to be like this, but this is the only way to make it any kinda good. Also, I think that this is probably what the Grateful Dead would do if they had a problem. If you don't like that band, then I don't fucking care. Whatever. Hey, you know, I've always said that I loved Black Flag, and I got to meet Keith Morris, and he was really nice to me. He was so sweet. And I've always said that I loved the Grateful Dead, and I met Bob Weir. And he was nice to me, even though we used to forever call him Bob Weird because he is fucked up! And, you know, ever since I was a kid, you know, I liked The Cure and The Smiths, but my favorite band was The Replacements, ya know? And that guy, that guy from the Replacements like made me feel like I wanted to play music and be fearless, and I did that, and he inspired me, and then he went in the press, and he told me that he thought someone should kick my teeth down my throat. So fuck him. None of my business. I don't care, you know, I always love coming into Minneapolis, like so many great bands, like Husker Du and Soul Asylum and The Replacements, and they inspire me, and I don't really care what that guy has to say, so fuck him. You know, his records still make me feel so good, even if he has to be an old, coy bastard. It's just like, you know what? There's Paul Auster books down the street at your bookstore, go read 'em, and don't attack people that are influenced by you, you fucking old man. Like, I wouldn't have a career if it wasn't for The Replacements. You taught me how to play music. How fucking dare you get on me because you influenced me to like make my life to be rock and roll. You should be happy! You should be happy that people wanna fucking play rock! And like, you know, like be earnest. I'm not earnest because like I'm young and like to, you know, have a drink and like wanna speak my mind. How fucking bitter and wrong. Nobody would ever do that. Lou Reed doesn't even do that. So to you, Paul Westerberg, I say fuck you! You fucking bitter old bitch! Get over it, you queen! What a piece of shit. And I will still like him for the rest of my life, I will still honor him, and I say, I'm glad that you were mean to me in the press because it's gonna make me write a better song than you every fucking day of my life. Or try...because you really can't. Anyway."

"You don't like it, but I don't care. Do you like it? I don't care."

"This is like the worst show I've ever played, I love it!"

"It's okay, you know, it's like the last night of like our, we all have the flu, and like we're tired, and I suck, I just suck, it's okay, and my songs aren't good, and fuck it, it doesn't matter, I don't care, I just wanna go home, I don't care. No, I'm like not riling you, like it's, yeah, it's true, fuck it, it doesn't matter, it's all bullshit. I don't care."

"I'm like so sick of this whole thing, you know it? I wanna go home for Christmas. Fuck it, I don't care."

"I'm so mad, I'm like so mad that The Stills got that write-up that they I think are so genuine and so heartfelt, you know? And they really wanna play their songs. These are like kids, you know? They're like individuals that wanna like play their music. They like wrote that music in their bedroom, they wanna play. And your fucking paper writes a diss, a whole page diss on them? And then I come to town and like that fucking guy from The Replacements, like my biggest fucking hero, he disses me? Like fuck everything, I don't care, man. What a horrible fucking thing. I'm going home for Christmas, Happy Christmas. Whatever. Forget it. I quit. Fuck it. What is it? You know what? Go home and like listen to your records and don't listen to new bands because they're just gonna be influenced by somebody else, and they're just gonna kick you in the balls. What a bullshit thing. Fuck it. Whatever."

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09-22-04: Warfield Theater - San Francisco, California

"Good to be back! Thank you for coming! This is the one I was waiting for, tomorrow night too. Goddammit! I love this city so fucking much! Here ya go, for you."

"Thank you so much, thank you."

Audience Member: "It's my birthday!"

Ryan: "Happy birthday. It's your birthday. How does that, where does that thing go? It's your birthday...happy birthday. It's the one with the exercise bike, the white exercise bike."

"I don't know what to say, I've been so excited to come here, and, like, now I'm just, like, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say! I just want to jam all night long! Woo! This city is so funky. Y'all better pray I don't move here, because I'm come here, and I'll just be funky. Look at me, I'm crazy!"

"Mr. J.P. Bowersock on guitar!"

"Thanks so much, this is so fun, I'm having so much fun, you're so nice!"

"Hello, people up there, I can see you now. Ha ha ha! Ah, hey! Ha ha! Lookin' good, everybody here always looks good. This city is great, it's, like, people here aren't afraid to wear orange and brown together at the same time, it's all right. Anyway, if you don't mind, or if you're into this, and, if you're not, it's okay, 'cause I want you to know that, I just wanna, you know, play some songs for ya and entertain you, and it's all about you. There's enough creepy, negative stuff out there, it's just all about you guys havin' a good time. But, if you feel like it, I wrote some songs after, this is becoming, like, a spiel or something, but, yeah, it really is, it really is, it really is, it really is. After I broke my shit up pretty bad, I went to physical therapy for a while, and then I went down to North Carolina after about three months. Actually, I needed a lady that was trying to fix my shit, which was pretty fucked up. She was, after about three months of physical therapy up in the city, it was up on, like, Fifty-Second Street and Second Avenue, but I was goin' in there real good, you know, and then I'd come in there, and, like, and my hair was falling out, I was just freaking out, and she goes, 'You need to go home.' And so, anyway, I went back to North Carolina, and the thing that she asked me to do for part of, like, my getting better was to write some songs. So I wrote about, like, fifteen of these songs by myself. No, no, there are maybe twenty or twenty-five, but, the other ten, I was real drunk. Ha ha ha! No, no, no, no, see, when you clap when I say that, that's, like, when you go to the zoo, it says 'Don't Feed The Bears', like, don't do that to me, 'cause you know me, man! Stop that! They're like, 'Yeah!' So anyway, like, I'm just gonna play, like, every night I'm trying to pull out, like, two different ones that I wrote down there at my friend Allen's house, is that okay? Can we do that? It's also, like, good for the show 'cause it's, like, twice fold, it's like, if somebody needs, like, a pee break or needs to get a drink, and they're like, 'I don't like that guy by himself, he just sounds like whine, whine, whine.' And that's good for that, and, and I gotta quit talking to you! Hey, it's not my fault, it's your weed, Humboldt County! It's your fucking fault, I'm high as hell! So it's not my fault! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!"

"Well, you know, like, the air supply thing to do it, I've just never fuckin' done it, but I don't know. I'd also like to make, I'm just about to go into these, these, these, these ridiculous songs, and I'd like to ask the men of the audience to not throw their boxes on stage because it's just gross. I don't even wanna touch my own nuts, I don't wanna touch yours. Is that wrong?"

"Thank you so much, we had so much fun, and you're so great, thanks to [???], love you, goddamn, see ya tomorrow!"

"I thank you so much for coming out, from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me, thank you so much. You guys ever play this song with me? Cheers, I love you so much, thank you for coming, yeah, and here’s a couple of more songs."

"Turn the house lights on, fuck it!"

"I'm so lucky to have this band and have these friends and have you people, I'm so lucky! I feel that. Turn 'em all on, turn the whole fucking thing on, I don't care!"

"Thank you so much, I'll come back anytime you'll have me."

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09-30-04: Beacon Theater - New York, New York

"Hello, how are you? Hi. Okay, we're gonna play some music for ya. It's nice to be home."

"Thank you very much!"

"We're gonna be playing all kinds of stuff tonight, so we're jumping all over the place, a couple of new things and I don't know."

"They set the height for somebody who is tall. I'm not Dio short. Not yet. Yeah. Oh, ya know, I was gonna let you guys know, because I just found this out, but, 'cause I guess, I guess he decided he didn’t wanna talk to nobody about it, but there's like a brand new Dio record, I'm not kidding. I shit you not. The cover has this, like, big, like, demon. He's, like, holding this crystal ball. It's got [???] in it, it's awesome. It's really good too, and you can tell that somebody got stoned and went, 'Man, like, everybody likes, Holy Diver, but nobody's down with the other stuff,' because it sounds just like Holy Diver, it's so fucking good. I wish I was kidding. Don't listen to it in the afternoon if you gotta be somewhere with your girlfriend though, because it blows the whole thing open. You're like, 'Hang on one more minute, man, just one more minute, this next song about bein' evil. Just awesome.' Anyway, here ya go, this is an old song from back when I was just a young man, back in 1958."

"There's, like, four seats right there! I would sit there if I was you though, that's where I would go."

"Thank you very much. Hey, Dan, hey, man, can you give me, like, some more, like, oh, I don't know. Give me, like, something between, like, a cross between Merle Haggard lights and Cure Disintegration lights, with a little bit of Dio. About that much."

"These look like the same ones, but I don't really care. Okay, so, ha ha, look at me, I'm all talkative, I don't care. So we're gonna play, like, something else, another kind of an old song, back from when I was back from right around when I had my midlife crisis, and I bought that Camero."

"I wanna do that one again, I'm gonna do it by myself. They didn't mess up, the monitors are weird. Hey, I wanna introduce my band, they're all really great. On drums, we got Mr. Brad Pemberton. I love that guy to death, he’s so great. On the bass, we've got Catherine Popper, she's amazing. She's in another amazing band called Hem. On guitar and mandolin, Mr. J.P. Bowersock. And over on the slide machine, from Woodstock, Cindy Cashdollar. Woo! And that's Robert, he's giving me my guitars, I'm not changing them because of a vanity thing, I'm changing them because I can't play. Ha ha! I gotta put the cable up there, I gotta get a guitar for every time, I don't know what I'm talking about. Gimme two seconds, I gotta redeem myself, that was awful!"

"Ha ha! Wait! No, no, no, that sucked, BUT...wait, wait, wait, wait...BUT...BUT...if it had been in the black keys, it would have been awesome."

"No, no, no, I can mess it up. Right now. I could totally fuck it up so bad that you’d just hate me forever. Then you could go work for Time Out. I'm gonna mess it up now, are you ready?"

"Okay, this is, ha, I'm talking too much, I don't care. So this is a song about where I'm from, but I live here now, I've always wanted to live here, I've lived here for a good amount of time now, and this is where I'm gonna stay. But this is about where I'm from. Disco ball, please! You're killing me! Look, they know I'm ugly, you can turn the lights off."

"So there's a guy in the second row, he's got binoculars. Ha ha! Man, you gotta go give those things to somebody else. I would say give them to me, but I don't got no hot neighbors. My girlfriend is the hot neighbors, so I don't need binoculars. Ha! So, I don't know, is this going okay? I know it's sorta laidback, but I live here, it's fine. You know what they say, if you have to ask...if you have to ask, but I don't care, I'll ask anyway. Ask, ask, ask. Don't ask 'em, ask 'em. I'm so excited for tonight, for all of you guys to come here, and in a little while, I think I'm gonna play you guys four or five new things that I wrote since I busted my shit. Ha! Why not? Hey, why don't you turn the lights on so I can see those people, it's like the Death Star, hey! Hey! Thank you for coming to the show, ha! Look at me, I'm crazy! Don't show me your nipple! Who are you, [???]? Stop that, stop that! That's so much more information than I would ever need! Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Get the binoculars, quick! So, don't hit me too close to the railing, you're making me nervous. Stop kicking your sister under the table, I swear to God. Stop it, stop it."

"Oh, just, I kinda want to plug where I wrote it. There's this place down on Second Avenue, and I don't know the exact address, and I will probably pronounce the name of the place wrong, and, oh, that's working now, it's this place called, how the fuck do you pronounce that? Fee-, Fee-uh-del-uh-pahs. And, anyway, so, but, yeah, so I used to live up on Second and Eighteenth, and I used to get real bored and real high, and I used to go down there, and I'd go, 'I got forty bucks, can you, get me drunk.' And they had a basement, I could play piano down there. So I guess it was last winter, and I just went down there, and I tried to write a song about that Second Avenue run all the way from, you know, like, Fourth, or something, all the way up to Eighteenth, and it’s pretty weird, 'cause when you get up there past the parks next to [???], it gets kinda weird, it's like No Man's Land, and I love it, ya know? But you know, like, the whole, you know, like, the people change too, you know, it's like, you can walk ten blocks in the city, and all of the sudden you're in the geography of people, this whole city's about, like, it's not about geography, it's about people, and the people change, the mood changes, and I'll just never get over it, how that is, ya know? So anyway, that's a long, weird description. But that's what, I think that's what this is about, and I haven't written new songs in a long time, and I'm gonna play a couple of them for you. This is the first one. It's called 'Nightbirds'."

"Okay, this is another one. I know it's boring as hell, ha ha ha, I don't care! I don’t even care! Ha ha ha! I don't know what they’re saying, I don’t know. I just wanna watch it from up there, I don't care! Okay, so this is another new song, that song is pretty shit, that last song is pretty crap, this is another new one, no, but, hey, hey, hey! Stop kicking your brother under the table, I swear to God. This one goes out to my boo, it's called 'I Will Learn To Love', it goes out to my boo."

"Oh, oh, oh, wait, I know what I'm doing."

"No, no, no, it's like, don't feed the bears! Don't feed the bears! Jesus! 'If I stick my sandwich outside the car window, the bear will never get me! Ha ha ha!' Oh, there you are, you bastard! Finally! You have eluded me for so long! I could control the world, if I didn't sweat so much. They do it, I can do it with a cigarette in my mouth. They do it."

Audience Member: "I wanna have your baby!"

Ryan: "No, no you don't. You really don't. Okay, we got it now, J.P. coming [???]. Okay, so we're gonna play more songs for ya. Hey, you know what, just turn all the lights on, just turn 'em all on, I don't care anymore. Oh, oh, wait, wait, wanna hear a funny story really quick before I play, we're gonna play four songs in a row, and I'll quit talking. No, this is true. I don't know if the guy is in the audience, he said he was gonna come here tonight, so I came to sound check, that's, we come here and try out all the guitars, and they don't work. And we go, yeah, they don't work, I'm gonna go down and get some dinner. So I took the subway down, I had to take the El, wait, no, no, no, wait, that’s wrong, the E down to Forty-Second Street and then take the El, yeah, and then I had to go, then I had to take a train over, and it, to get down to the, ya know..."

Audience Member: "East Village!"

Ryan: "I live in the East Village, yeah, I know that, you don't have to tell me East Village, I know that. That one I got. And so, oh, man, it was so weird, so I walk down there, and I'm a little frazzled, because I'm home now, so, you don't need the binoculars, I'm right here, hi! I'll come and talk to you, if you want. No, this is just true, and it's just part of my day, and I thought I'd share it with you. But I went to Manchester, and I got every piece of Smiths vinyl except for that one thing [???]. This fella gave me a Morrissey record, that was very nice of him. Anyway, so, like, you know, I'm in here, what's great about playing here, outside of, like, you know, you can’t pick up the newspaper for a week, they don't like me. You know, I have my bong. Like, fuck it. Sushi isn't weird after you get high. It's just good. It's like, it's like, look at that, that's like space food, that's like protein. But I was frazzled, so I come here, and then I got on the subway, and I walked down the thing, and I'm all frazzled, you know, I was like feeling all like Edward Scissorhands, I ain't got no scissors, and it was just all creepy, and then these three, like, super, like, well, I could tell by the accent it was Queens for sure, yeah, awesome, but they were all like, they were the trio, they come from school or something, and I walked down the steps, and I knew I was being a little weird, you know, and I was trying to hide, and he goes, 'Check it out, he tried to play dress-up with his girlfriend's clothes or forgot to give them back.' I was like, oh...and I looked to my left, and there was this, like, sort of, like, older lady, and she was sort of sneezing, she had this, like, weird red fedora on, you know, like hat and scarf, and I was like, I'm gonna go hang out with her. Yeah, man, check it out. He borrowed his girlfriend's clothes, he forgot to give them back. And then I met this fella, oh, oh, there's a point to this story, and I don't know from the Upper West Side how to get back down there, not yet. But I like, then this guy, I was looking at this guy, and I'm like, I could ask him. And then I didn't say shit though because I was all nervous, and I'm like, he might know I'm stoned. And then he goes, 'Pardon me,' he goes, 'Are you, uh, are you, uh, are you, uh, are you,' and he says my name, and I was like, 'Yeah, yeah!' And he said, 'Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm going to your show tonight,' and I was like, 'Oh, I am too!' Like he didn't know that! As, you know, to just reassure the guy that I would be there. And I said, 'You could further aide me in that if you could tell me how the fuck to get off of this subway.' He goes, and very sympathetic, he goes, 'I'll walk you over to the connecting thing.' 'Cause apparently I was on the wrongest train ever. And anyway, I don't know whether you're here, Mr. Man, but if you are, thank you."

"No, no, no, we'll get to it, we've got plenty of time. So this next song is from, you know, that record I made that changed everyone's lives, man."

"Thank you very much, I had so much fun, and it was a good time, and I love Ollabelle, and I love playing with them, and I love playing here, and thank you for coming, and yeah, okay. Ha ha!"

"I didn't, I didn't know whether people were gonna come back and see me after I fucked my shit up, and this is just really great. I appreciate it so much, from the bottom of my heart. I really wanna do this. I'm very humbled by my experience of I busted my shit up, but I could never be more humbled than to come home, 'cause New York is my home now, then play two nights at the Beacon, so I thank you so much. And I promise you I'll try my best to write what I'm thinking, and I'm just gonna do my thing. I don't know. Can't please everybody, but I'll try to, you know, I'll try to play it straight."

"I'm gonna call my friends back. I wanna tell you something that, sometime, early next year, if, you know, you don't know how things are gonna go, I know that now, ha ha ha. But if things go the way I'm thinking, that sometime, like maybe around, like, February, March, I'm gonna try to do a couple of records at the same time, now, I'm gonna do one, one of 'em I really want to do with this band, I'm so happy I met these people, and we're gonna try to do a record with The Cardinals. And then I'm gonna try to do a record where I just sit down in front of a microphone with my friend J.P. behind the board, and just me and acoustic guitar. So, next year, you can take your pick. Why not? I don't know what I’m trying to do, but I'm just trying to play music for you people, and I love you. They just told me that if we don't play 'Come Pick Me Up' fast, in, like, a minute and thirty seconds, that they're gonna cut us off, so here we go!"

"Turn 'em all on, I don't care!"

"Turn 'em all fucking on!"

"No, it's fine, it's fine, it's okay! That microphone! It's fine, it's fine, hey!"

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08-03-06: The Vogue - Indianapolis, Indiana

Ryan: "We just have to tune up, sorry if there's not much talking or banter tonight, but it's a strict curfew, so we're gonna try our best to get as much in as we can. No, man, it's cool, you know what I mean? Like it's fine, we're playing, so it's fine! Just give us a second here. Man, don't start saying, 'Fuck this and that,' how about just give me just like twenty seconds, I'll tune, and we'll just keep playing, it will be fine. Just chill out. Don't fuck anything but your girlfriends. Fuck this and that. Or whatever. Or whoever. Whatever. That only applies to the West Village.

Cat: "You just gave a lot away about your sex life."

Ryan: "Actually, I don't give anything away. This shit, this shit costs money."

Cat: "So, apparently, Graboff was walking around, that's Graboff, he was walking around Nashville, and some guy spotted him, why don’t you tell the boys and girls what somebody said to you?"

Jon: "How do I find Catherine Popper, and let me tell you what I'm gonna do when I find her."

Cat: "No, they said, 'Hey, man, you're Cold Roses!'"

Jon: "Oh, that's right, I'm Cold Roses, before I was, uh, Randolph, for awhile I was Randolph. This is very inside humor."

Cat: "Hey, man, you're Cold Roses!"

After "Peaceful Valley":

Ryan: "I just wanted to shorten the end so I didn't interrupt their conversation about sports, which I could totally hear from where I was playin'. No, no, it's cool, it was just like totally, no, I mean it, hey, man, it just adds to my buzz, it's like when TV sets are all, and you're playing, it's really, it's like, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna bring my own little TV set soon so I can watch my favorite shows and stuff while, you know, 'cause I don't wanna bug anybody, you know, when art's goin' on, so I'll just do my own thing, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Cat: "A lot of times when you're yelling out requests, it just sounds like somebody's on fire. We don't hear anything!"

Cat: "Can you all, like, point out the fire exits to some of these folks, 'cause I think a few people have some issues? Fire extinguishers?"

Ryan: "Uh, and yeah, I am looking straight at you, you know who you are."

Ryan: "Thank you very much, we're on a curfew now, so we have to respect the place, and everyone please be kind to each other, we’ll see you later, good night."

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Come Pick Me Up